Truth Be Told

May I be honest about my thoughts concerning marriage? I don’t believe there are a lot of honest conversations about what marriage entails. And because of this I don't think people have a true understanding of what they are getting into when they say "I Do."

I am a fan of social media; I’m active on quite a few sites. However, I think some people who are on social media depict a not so truthful picture of how married life is. Don’t get me wrong, it is true that my marriage did not succeed, but that does not mean I do not believe in marriage anymore. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Nor have I given up all hope of having a successful marriage of my own one day. Furthermore, I'm not a bitter divorcee who is a hop, skip, and a jump away from her forties. I still believe in marriage, I have a lot of examples of healthy marriages in my life. My parents being one of them, my parents have been married for 45 years, and they still like each other. Even though I have a wonderful example of a working marriage, I am not naïve to the fact that marriage takes work. Not only does marriage take work daily, but it also is not full of rainbows, butterflies and sunshine every day.

Truthfully, I am quite annoyed by individuals who post how wonderful their marriage is every day and how elated they are in their marriage. By no means am I a hater – I know from experience, that every day in a marriage is not a happy one. And I honestly believe those individuals who choose to give the impression that it is add pixie dust to the fantasy. I was under the impression that once I got married all my relationship troubles were going to be over - boy was I wrong. If anything, the trials become more difficult. And that should be expected. I spent a lot of time hoping I would be swept off my feet by a wonderful man who loved me dearly and unconditionally, and we would live happily ever after. I was convinced that being married would make everything perfect.

I say difficulties should be expected in marriage for a couple of reasons. Mainly because marriage is ordained by God. In the Book of Genesis, God established marriage as sacred. He determined a method of uniting one man and one woman together. For this reason, married couples should expect problems to arise. Furthermore, let's look at the obvious. You are two different people being joined as one. During your single days, you had your views and outlook on life. You had your individual ambitions and desires and the person you married had their own. It is not strange or even wrong to clash. You are two different people with different ideas; you will not always agree. I would definitely question your relationship if you always agree and never argue. If you always agree and never annoy each other - someone is not being honest. We're human - your significant other is going to get on your nerves, and you are going to get on theirs. In all honesty, we are both annoyed and annoying in all of our relationships. Being annoyed doesn't mean you don't love your spouse.

I think those of us who have experienced marriage should be willing to discuss what it really means to partake in this covenant. Not necessarily airing dirty laundry, but expressing those things that we didn't know would take place until after we were married. We should discuss the things that would have been helpful beforehand.

For an example, it is imperative to have conversations about everything. And when I say everything - I mean everything. Talk about whether or not you want children, and if you have children - discuss how you will raise them. How will you discipline them? Will you discipline them? Do you believe in the same faith? If not, will you be able to live together with different religious beliefs? Furthermore, how will you raise your children in regards to their faith and belief system? Talk about sex. Find out what they like and don't like. You need to know if they are willing to do the strange and kinky things you like. And you must talk about money. When these conversations transpire, be honest. It is also very important to listen to the answers and ask yourself if you will be able to accept what you are being told for the rest of your life.

I've expressed a few things for the advice giver; now I want to address the advice receiver. Listen to the individuals that are offering advice about marriage to you that are or have been married before. In retrospect, I wish I had listened to those who were trying to help me. I was thinking, "I know what I'm doing...Just because your marriage was like that doesn't mean mine will." Regardless of what happened in the advice giver's marriage, they've traveled the road you're starting. Take the meat and throw away the bones. I honestly believe things would have been different for me had I listened.

So, I encourage those who have said "I Do" to offer advice to those who are considering marriage. And I encourage those of you who are interested in saying "I Do" to listen to those who have traveled the road before you.


 

My Empty Cradles

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ”

— Eccleciastes 3:1-8 KJV

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is set aside to remember the lives that were lost during pregnancy or infancy. At 7:00 pm, families around the United States will light candles in memory of all these precious little lives that were lost.

There are several days that stand out in mind from the years I've been on this earth, but there are two days that stand out from the rest - the days my sons died. I experienced two pregnancies where I went into preterm labor at 21 weeks. I gave birth to two live babies who weren't developed enough to survive outside of my womb. Both of my boys were fighters, much like their mother.

I can remember the numbness I felt when my water broke during my pregnancy with my oldest son. I was in disbelief of what was happening. In spite of the decreased amount of water around him, my son was alive and kicking inside of me for a few days. Once I delivered Xavier, he kicked his leg once, and then he gave up the ghost.

When I was sent to the hospital due to complications with my last pregnancy, the doctors thought we were both going to die. I suffered delivering that little angel, but when I held him, I forgot all about the pain I had just endured. Little Eli lived for two hours without any assistance before God made him an angel.

There is not a day that passes that I do not think about my children. Some days I think of them and smile. Other days, I think of them and cry because of their absence. I often think about the hope I had for them and wonder who they would look like and how they would behave. I imagine my oldest son would have been quiet and nonchalant like his uncle. And my youngest son would have been talkative and slightly rambunctious like me.

The loss of my children is the most painful experience I have ever had. It has gotten better with time. However it still hurts. I can not say I understand what happened to me, and I admit I've wanted to know why. At times, I found myself feeling envious of women carrying babies that I didn't even know.

I also recall being angry when I heard stories of women who killed their babies after carrying them to term because they didn't want them. I thought - why was she able to deliver her child just to kill him or her, and my babies died? I would not have done that. I would have loved my sons unconditionally and done my very best to provide them with everything they needed to become healthy well-rounded adults.

In spite of the fear, anger, envy, and hurt - I find comfort in knowing God's Will is perfect. His Will is good even when I don't understand it. I am learning to see the positive in every situation I face. I believe everything we encounter in life happens for a reason. It is true that I do not fully understand why my sons died, but I have learned a lot of things because of my losses. I am a testimony.

“...My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV

I recognize that my testimony can help and encourage someone else. I believe we should be a source of strength and guidance to one another. I also believe the loss of a pregnancy or a child should be discussed. There are a lot of people who have absolutely no idea what to say to those of us who have lost babies.

I can recall the people who were in my life at the time who said nothing, the ones who said too much, and the ones who said things that were just plain idiotic. But, there was one conversation I had that helped so much. She said exactly what I felt.

The conversation transpired about three weeks after Xavier passed away. I was in the grocery store, and my neighbor walked in - she spoke and mentioned she hadn't seen me in a while. She asked about my pregnancy, and I told her what happened.  She looked at me, and she said, "I know how you feel, I lost a baby too. People are going to say, you can have another baby. God is in control; He knows what is best." She went on to say, "I didn't want to hear that...I wanted my baby!" And that was exactly how I felt. I was very well aware of the fact that God was in control, and He knows what is best, but I wanted my son. I knew I could lay with my then husband and create another baby - but, I wanted my son, Xavier. I wanted to hold that child. I wanted to hear that child cry. I wanted to be tired from 4:00 am feedings of that child.

Parents who have lost their babies need to be told that it is ok to cry and mourn their lost and not be patted on the head and told "there, there...you can have another child."   And please do not ignore the fact that someone you know lost their baby. If you don't know what to say, that is fine. Tell the person you don't know what to say, but acknowledge their loss. Give them a hug and let them know you care. Trust me, it helps.