Please Forgive Me, Towanda

A while ago, I commented on a post that caused some emotional pain to surface. The question was: What is the most hurtful thing your ex said to you? To be frank, I have a lot of content to choose from, but one statement immediately came to my mind. He said, “Why don’t you just get an abortion!” I don’t recall what led him to say those words in that moment. Granted, most of the time we spent alone together involved some level of disagreement and unwelcome barbs. What he said hurt, but what I think caused the most damage was the fact that weeks following his demonstration of discontent I endured a miscarriage of my son, Xavier.

I heard those words 15 years ago and they still reside in my memory. I recall mentioning it during a therapy session; however, I was more focused on trying to hold on to a sham of a relationship rather than my emotional and mental healing that I didn’t explore the impact the words had on me. Although my ex was the person who said things that cut and intended to tear me down, I strongly believe he’s not the only person I need to forgive.

I recall a young Towanda who stood up to bullies for others regardless of their gender or size. Where was she when I needed her? Why didn’t she come to my rescue? Why did I allow Towanda to be belittled? Why did I accept ridicule and mistreatment? Why did I allow myself to be pushed emotionally and physically? Why didn’t I stop the name-calling and yelling? Where were you, Towanda?

Although I believe everything happens for a reason—even the events that hurt and leave us perplexed—I needed to ask myself those questions. Additionally, I can’t say I know or fully understand the why behind my experiences, but I recognize they shaped the woman I am. If I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t know God’s grace is sufficient. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be a testimony of God’s infallible love. It is imperative that I embrace everything that happens to me, but there’s more that is required of me.

Writing this reminded me of words I shared that I need to re-apply to myself. In full transparency, I thought the above paragraphs encompassed everything I needed to accept, but there were more questions I needed to ask myself. Specifically, what role did I play in the encounters of my aforementioned entanglement? Additionally, what aspect of my character attracted him to me? If I am responsible for drawing him to me, do I still possess the characteristics that lured him? By no means am I implying people who endured unhealthy relationships caused—or even deserved—it. What I am saying is, it is beneficial to self-evaluate after any negative encounter to ensure we didn’t cause the problem or add any toxicity to it.

Now that I’m forgiven, there are two things I need to focus on: reflecting and pruning to prepare for a healthy relationship with myself and others and examine myself to ensure I have fully remitted everyone I believed caused me harm. Here’s to healing.

Every Day is a Day of Thanksgiving

Generally speaking, I believe we, as a culture, spend a lot of energy focusing on the “next thing” rather than appreciating the right now. This thought typically enters my mind as holidays approach. There are a few days before Thanksgiving on the calendar, yet my eyes captured Christmas decorations on homes and in shopping centers a few days ago. Considering my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, I realize I could be a bit biased, but I often wonder if we should focus a little more on giving thanks.

Nothwithstanding what I was taught about the origin of the Thanksgiving holiday and realizing the horrible truth of what transpired shortly thereafter, I look forward to the day. It always reminds me of family. I recall gathering at my Auntie’s house. It always felt inviting and warm, filled with my aunts, uncles, cousins, chatter, laughter, and of course, food!

As I look back, I’m saddened by how much has changed. There are so many of my loved ones who are no longer here. And those of us who remain have aged, and we don’t move as quickly as we once did. Whether good or bad, this reality influences me to reminisce about the days of my youth; however, a recent interaction with my mother gave me a new perspective on the “here and now.”

Earlier this week, I took my parents to their medical appointments, and on the way home, my mother began reminiscing about things she “used to do” in the areas we passed. In the midst of her “trip down memory lane,” her focus shifted, and she began to give God praise. I heard her say, “Lord, I thank you for what I can do, now.” Her statement obviously resonated with me. I need to do a better job of demonstrating gratitude for the way things are now. Yes, I had wonderful experiences when I was younger, and yes, some of those things can’t be repeated now, but I appreciate what can happen.

God has extended us grace, mercy, and breath. Let’s use these blessings wisely by making every day a day of thanksgiving.

“What if God Is Unhappy”?: MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 9; Are My Expressions of Appreciation for God Sufficient?

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God. And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan. And Jesus answering said, ‘ Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?’ ‘There are not found that returned to give glory to God save this stranger.’ And he said unto him, ‘Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.’”

— Luke 15:17-19 KJV

About six years ago, I questioned if my expressions of gratitude were sufficient. It derived from an interaction I had with a former coworker. I was annoyed because she didn’t thank me for resolving a problem she created. The thoughts and feelings of irritation made me pause. I started to wonder if my responses to God’s blessings and grace were sufficient—I concluded they were not. I mean, how many times have I gone against His Will and got myself in a bind and cried out for His help and He rescued me?

The question came back to my remembrance a few weeks ago. It happened while I was driving. On rare occasions, I may give up the right of way to another driver. In these instances, I found myself looking for a gesture of thanks. I even had the audacity to say, “You can’t say thank you?” aloud. This sparked another question: How does God feel when I don’t honor Him, praise Him, and thank Him for what He’s done and—more importantly—for who He is?

Once again, the error of my ways has been brought to my attention and I am grateful for it. The debt I owe to God is past due and the time for me to be in good standing with Him is long overdue.

“Wherefore he saith, Awake though that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.” - Ephesians 5:14-17 KJV

Thank you, Lord, for your grace, love, longsuffering, and mercy that You extend to me each day.

It Is Not Good for Man to Be Alone, But Who Can I Run To?—A Revelation

“And the LORD God said, ‘it is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

— Genesis 2:18 KJV

When I was a child, I never imagined I’d be single without a family of my own at the age of forty-something, but I don’t think I’m the only one. I highly doubt there are a lot of people—or anyone—who imagined being divorced and childless when they pictured the life ahead during childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I am happily divorced and I’m overjoyed that that season of my life is over. However, a recent family event evoked thoughts of reflection and concern for my future.

This past December, my father got sick and was hospitalized for two months. A lot of those days were filled with anxiety surrounding both the known and unknown. During the last two months, my family and I spent a lot of time visiting him to remind him that he is not alone and to ensure he had everything he needed, and that he was being properly cared for. In the midst of doing this, my “singlehood” hit me in a not-so-positive way. It is my earnest prayer that the Lord will allow me to reach the age of 77—and beyond—in my right mind with reasonable health and strength—but a question came to my mind during my time of reflection: who’s going to take care of me when I get old?

At the opening of this post, I included a Bible verse that introduces the creation of Eve, Adam’s help meet. Although I realize this passage of scripture speaks to the importance of a man having an help meet, I want to focus on the portion that reads “it is not good for the man to be alone.” I understand this statement is about the man Adam, but I think anyone can relate to it.

While my dad was in the hospital, I encountered the negative side of being single. As I witnessed the interactions between my parents during this ordeal, I saw the beauty and comfort that exists with requited love. In full transparency, I experienced a plethora of emotions over the past few months. I was anxious, lonely, sad, scared, and worried—just to name a few. It would have been nice to have someone to comfort and console me as I worked through all of it. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am grateful for everyone who inquired about my dad, my family, and me. However, the connection I have in those relationships differs from the one I would have with a partner or spouse. I longed for a deeper more personal level of empathy and intimacy that is found with a loving companion.

I also thought about how my brother and I tried to ensure our father had everything he needed and made arrangements to be with him. This reminded me of the fact that I don’t have any living children, which amplified the question: who is going to take care of me when I get old?

I shared my thoughts with my family and I found comfort in what they shared with me. My brother told me to get long-term health insurance, which amused me, but he’s right—AARP, here I come. When I spoke to my dad about my concerns, he told me the same thing crossed his mind about me, but he reminded me that I have nothing to worry about. God will take care of me.

“Let your conversations be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

— Hebrews 13:5 KJV

Stop Looking Back at Yesterday: Remember Lot's Wife—Looking Back Can Be Detrimental

Some of you may remember the story of Lot and his family and what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah in the book of Genesis. God sent two angels to warn Lot of the imminent destruction of the two cities because of their wickedness. The angels instructed Lot, his wife, and two daughters to leave and not look back—literally. Lot and his daughters obeyed, but for some reason, Lot’s wife did not. After traveling some distance, Lot’s wife looked back to the city and became a pillar of salt. - Genesis 19:1-29 KJV

In my usual transparent fashion, I started writing this in August 2020, but I didn’t make much traction. I’m not sure why. It could be because the notes I wrote for this piece are absolutely horrible and I have no idea what my initial intent was, or it could be simpler—it wasn’t time for me to write it.

At some point last week, I recalled a post I wrote for the DOSBB blog entitled, “A Promise to Me,” ironically, I wrote it in September 2020. The post is an apology to me for not loving myself enough to reject the negativity of others. Although I continue to stand by the words I wrote two years ago, I have to admit that I neglected a vital piece of the process: forgiveness. Not necessarily forgiving the individuals who demonstrated the negativity, but extending an olive branch to me for allowing the pain to fester and settle.

The word “past” is defined as gone by in time and no longer existing. This makes me wonder what the benefit is of reliving it, especially if it is harmful.

At this point, some of you may wonder what the connection between self-forgiveness and Lot’s wife is. There was nothing good left in Sodom and Gomorrah once Lot and his family fled. That time she spent in that city was a part of her past that had no place in her future. Her decision to look back—whatever that reason was—came with a price, which was her future.

I want to encourage you and me to let go of whatever hurt and pain we experienced in the past that God has saved us from. Let us forgive as God does and not look back. He chooses not to remember.

For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and thier sins and thier iniquities will I remember no more. - Hebrews 8:12 KJV