“What if God Is Unhappy”?: MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 9; Are My Expressions of Appreciation for God Sufficient?

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God. And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan. And Jesus answering said, ‘ Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?’ ‘There are not found that returned to give glory to God save this stranger.’ And he said unto him, ‘Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.’”

— Luke 15:17-19 KJV

About six years ago, I questioned if my expressions of gratitude were sufficient. It derived from an interaction I had with a former coworker. I was annoyed because she didn’t thank me for resolving a problem she created. The thoughts and feelings of irritation made me pause. I started to wonder if my responses to God’s blessings and grace were sufficient—I concluded they were not. I mean, how many times have I gone against His Will and got myself in a bind and cried out for His help and He rescued me?

The question came back to my remembrance a few weeks ago. It happened while I was driving. On rare occasions, I may give up the right of way to another driver. In these instances, I found myself looking for a gesture of thanks. I even had the audacity to say, “You can’t say thank you?” aloud. This sparked another question: How does God feel when I don’t honor Him, praise Him, and thank Him for what He’s done and—more importantly—for who He is?

Once again, the error of my ways has been brought to my attention and I am grateful for it. The debt I owe to God is past due and the time for me to be in good standing with Him is long overdue.

“Wherefore he saith, Awake though that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.” - Ephesians 5:14-17 KJV

Thank you, Lord, for your grace, love, longsuffering, and mercy that You extend to me each day.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 9; The Importance of Recognizing the Pervading Tone or Mood of a Place

My recent life lesson occurred to me during the wee hours of this past Wednesday morning. This tutorial derived from some overwhelming feelings of anxiety I experienced on Monday, which made me realize I needed to take a pause and focus on self-care. While I was home on Tuesday, I was deliberate with my thoughts and actions. I purposely avoided thoughts surrounding work or anything that could potentially cause angst. Although I recognize the importance of keeping my mind on positive and joyous things, this particular situation needed additional ammunition.

Putting forth the effort to think about good things worked for a while, but fear found its way back to the forefront of my mind. When I realized what was happening, I decided to pray. During my prayer, I was reminded of 2 Timothy 1:7 and I had to repent because fear does not come from God. As I reflected on the why behind my anxiety I realized I brought this trouble on myself. I created an atmosphere of doubt and fear. I did this with the words I’ve spoken and the thoughts I’ve pondered and embraced. I used phrases like “I can’t” and “I’m afraid.” So why should I be shocked at the manifestation of my words? Once I acknowledged my blunder, I realized what needed to happen. I needed to change the atmosphere by changing the narrative.

I told myself I couldn’t and I believed it. So when it came time to complete the action, I couldn’t do it because I created an environment of failure. “As a man thinketh, so is he.” Not only did I sabotage my productivity at work, I believe I may have done the same thing in the dating realm. During my time of self-reflection, I remembered the response I’ve given to the “why are you single?” question. I said, “I’m afraid of repeating the mistakes of my past.” Although I don’t want to make bad choices in future relationships, I see I had already attached fear to my circumstances before anything could even transpire simply by the words I chose to speak.

I was already aware of the fact that the power of life and death is in the tongue—Proverbs 18:21—but I messed up and allowed myself to take the path of doubt and fear. I appreciate my moment of clarity. It enabled me to see I can perpetuate an atmosphere that is bad or good by my speech and thoughts. When I would have used negative words to describe what I’m facing, I’ve decided to use positive ones in their place. In the past, I said, “I can’t,” alternatively, I will say, “I’m still learning.” And instead of attaching myself to fear, I will say, “I am building my confidence.”

I’m a work in progress. Now that I know better, I will do better.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 8

“You know, but do you understand?”

— Unknown

At this point in my life, I believe I recognize the difference between knowledge and understanding. When I was younger, I saw the two words as interchangeable, but now I know and understand better. Knowledge is facts, information, and skills one acquires through experience or education. Understanding is comprehending or grasping something mentally. As strange as it may sound, you can know something without understanding it.

When I created the gratitude journal, my intent was to focus on specific life events that make me a better person. Although I am eternally grateful for my life “staples,” I didn’t want to write about them in the journal. However, like most things in life, I experienced something that allowed me to see it would be very remiss of me not to express my appreciation for them. So, I decided to revise the purpose of the journal.

A little over a week ago—Thursday to be exact—I turned 45. To be honest, I haven’t fully digested the fact that I am in my mid-forties, and it is also hard for me to embrace the fact that the tiny human wrapped in white blankets in the photo above is me.

I entered this world on Thursday, August 5, 1976. All of the days I’ve seen haven’t been filled with butterflies and rainbows, but I realize they could have been worse. I recall a more than pleasant childhood. All my needs were met and I got more than a fair share of my wants too. I was blessed with loving God-fearing parents, and a brother who is my knight in shining armor. I survived the heartbreak of my first love, a failed marriage, and the loss of two babies. You could say I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but I’m still here.

I now understand I have a purpose and with that comes difficult moments, which were designed to teach me where my help comes from. I’m not just aware of who my help is, I also understand He has been with me from the very beginning. He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb 45 years ago.

I am grateful for knowing God is, and I’ve come to know and understand I can’t live without Him.

“For in him, we live, and move, and have our being…”

- Acts 17:28 KJV

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 7 "Praying for My Enemies Benefits Me Too"

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” - Matthew 5:44 KJV

When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt disheartened, and it didn’t take a long time for me to identify the problem. The day before, I had an encounter with a coworker—who isn’t the easiest person to work with—and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Please don’t misunderstand me, I know everyone who has come in contact with me doesn’t consider me to be wonderful or even tolerable, but I try to be pleasant with everyone I come across—for the most part anyway. After I recognized what was causing my downcast spirit, I decided to pray about it.

As I began to pray, I found myself asking for things that would only benefit me. I was praying for what I thought would make me feel better. Then the thought “pray for her” came to my mind. So, I changed the entire tone of my prayer. I took the focus off of me and I began to pray for her. I prayed for her family and their well-being.

When I got to work, I sent an email in response to her inquiries. About an hour later, she responded by stating she had completed what I needed.

I wholeheartedly believe my obedience to God’s voice caused a difference in the interaction I had with my coworker.

“When a man’s ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.” - Proverbs 16:7 KJV

I learned an invaluable lesson. It behooves me to take the time to pray for those who mistreat me and those I perceive to be my enemies. Not necessarily a prayer that consists of my desires for them to be kinder toward me, but a request that they are strengthened, and more importantly, come to the knowledge of Christ in the pardoning of their sins.

This is “My heels in life'“—follow me as I follow Christ…

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 6; "I'm Giving My Family Their Flowers While They Yet Live"

When I started this journal, I considered my appreciation or feelings of gratitude for my family to be an understood existence. But a conversation I overheard in the restroom at work on Wednesday changed my perspective. By no means was I ear-hustling, I just happened to be in that space at that moment—but the more I think about it—it was for a reason. But before I get into what I heard, I need to share my feelings and act of repentance.

When I entered the restroom—which isn’t that big—there were two women standing by the sinks talking. I was annoyed by their presence and inconsiderate behavior toward others. I mean, they could have their conversation in the hallway. We need to practice social distancing, and I need to wash my hands so I can use the facilities! I was still thinking about it as I was “handling my business.”

They were still talking while I was washing my hands for the second time. At this point in their conversation, I only heard bits and pieces. From what I could gather, they both have children under the age of three. But I distinctly heard one of them say, “I put my mom in hospice.” Then I heard the other woman say, “I’m sorry, I understand. My mother passed away while I was pregnant.” And it was at that moment that I realized I needed to express gratitude for my family.

I am forty-four and I still have both of my parents and my brother—a lot of people can’t say that. The three of them are lucid with reasonable health and strength. But in addition to that, they are good people and we have healthy relationships—everyone can’t say that about their family either.

My mother has always been my biggest cheerleader. She is always available to encourage me with her words or embrace. She is my confidant and my rock. During the most difficult time in my life, she put my needs before hers and was literally by my side, comforting me and praying for me. Her presence and encouragement enabled me to regain strength and confidence to move forward.

Based on what I’ve been told, I believe my father has been the apple of my eye from the moment I entered the world. When I was a kid, I thought he was the strongest man in the world. To me, he is the ideal man and the image of stability. He is a man of few words, so when he speaks, you know it is important. When I was struggling in my marriage, my father spoke four words to me. He said, “you can come home,” which was exactly what I needed to hear.

My brother is my superhero. He always comes to my rescue, without hesitation or question. I remember his response to me every time I called when my first car broke down, which happened A LOT, he simply asked, “Where are you?” And I distinctly remember my then-husband calling my brother when I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with Xavier. After my ex-husband told my brother what was happening, the only thing my brother said was “I’m on my way.”

I am so grateful for my family. They love and support me unconditionally and I appreciate it. I am thankful for every moment I’ve spent with them and I intend to treasure each moment to come.

And although I eventually felt compassion for the women I overheard in the restroom, I am glad I heard their stories. I was reminded of the need to appreciate my loved ones. So, I will give them their flowers every chance I get while they yet live.