November Eleventh: "Nobody's Supposed to Be Here"

Earlier today, I learned about Singles’ Day, which is a Chinese unofficial holiday and shopping season that celebrates people who are not in relationships. It is also considered to be the biggest shopping day in the world. When I initially read about it, I was interested in writing about it and sharing my potential plans to celebrate. Why not? I’m single and I love to shop. But to my astonishment, I’m not excited about celebrating my singlehood.

This is strange because I haven’t been very forward-leaning when it comes to the idea of dating and being in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I made some strides earlier this year, which I shared and I think the “walls of Jericho” I built around my heart came tumbling down. But did it happen too quickly?

Last week I was asked, “What’s the fastest you’ve ever fallen for someone?” Well, I fell for someone in about five minutes—I guess I’m not beyond redemption. But I can’t help but wonder how he got past the walls? How did you get here? Furthermore, now that my heart is exposed and unprotected, will a Trojan horse come galloping in?

My hopeful Galahad is an unexpected blast from the past. Our paths crossed 26-years-ago, and unbeknownst to me, he had a crush on me when I was the ripe age of 19. He revealed this information to me fairly recently and now I am the one who is smitten. And although I am in a state of the unknown, I am doing my best to identify the good. Right now I don’t know if he is my knight in shining armor or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Nevertheless, I will celebrate the fact that I am able to let go of the past and let someone in.

So, how will I celebrate Singles’ Day? Lord willing, I will focus on all the blessings that have been given to me and celebrate the one who makes all things possible. God is in control and my life is in His hands. It doesn’t matter if I am single or boo’d up, I have purpose and it will prevail. I also know the one for me will be revealed in due time. And now that I have a reason to shop—let’s see if that Michael Kors bag I’ve been thinking about is still available and on sale.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 6; "I'm Giving My Family Their Flowers While They Yet Live"

When I started this journal, I considered my appreciation or feelings of gratitude for my family to be an understood existence. But a conversation I overheard in the restroom at work on Wednesday changed my perspective. By no means was I ear-hustling, I just happened to be in that space at that moment—but the more I think about it—it was for a reason. But before I get into what I heard, I need to share my feelings and act of repentance.

When I entered the restroom—which isn’t that big—there were two women standing by the sinks talking. I was annoyed by their presence and inconsiderate behavior toward others. I mean, they could have their conversation in the hallway. We need to practice social distancing, and I need to wash my hands so I can use the facilities! I was still thinking about it as I was “handling my business.”

They were still talking while I was washing my hands for the second time. At this point in their conversation, I only heard bits and pieces. From what I could gather, they both have children under the age of three. But I distinctly heard one of them say, “I put my mom in hospice.” Then I heard the other woman say, “I’m sorry, I understand. My mother passed away while I was pregnant.” And it was at that moment that I realized I needed to express gratitude for my family.

I am forty-four and I still have both of my parents and my brother—a lot of people can’t say that. The three of them are lucid with reasonable health and strength. But in addition to that, they are good people and we have healthy relationships—everyone can’t say that about their family either.

My mother has always been my biggest cheerleader. She is always available to encourage me with her words or embrace. She is my confidant and my rock. During the most difficult time in my life, she put my needs before hers and was literally by my side, comforting me and praying for me. Her presence and encouragement enabled me to regain strength and confidence to move forward.

Based on what I’ve been told, I believe my father has been the apple of my eye from the moment I entered the world. When I was a kid, I thought he was the strongest man in the world. To me, he is the ideal man and the image of stability. He is a man of few words, so when he speaks, you know it is important. When I was struggling in my marriage, my father spoke four words to me. He said, “you can come home,” which was exactly what I needed to hear.

My brother is my superhero. He always comes to my rescue, without hesitation or question. I remember his response to me every time I called when my first car broke down, which happened A LOT, he simply asked, “Where are you?” And I distinctly remember my then-husband calling my brother when I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with Xavier. After my ex-husband told my brother what was happening, the only thing my brother said was “I’m on my way.”

I am so grateful for my family. They love and support me unconditionally and I appreciate it. I am thankful for every moment I’ve spent with them and I intend to treasure each moment to come.

And although I eventually felt compassion for the women I overheard in the restroom, I am glad I heard their stories. I was reminded of the need to appreciate my loved ones. So, I will give them their flowers every chance I get while they yet live.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 4; Requited Encouragement

“Be an encourager. The world has enough critics already.” - Dave Willis

My decision to become a blogger came with a desire to encourage and inspire others to love themselves more. I honestly believe I have a passion for encouraging because I realize how impactful it can be, and I also know how detrimental the opposite can be. In a previous relationship, I was subjected to a lot of ridicule. And unfortunately, the constant belittlement chipped away at my self-confidence, and I started believing it. But thanks be unto to God, I recognized my worth before I fell completely into the abyss of untruth that was presented to me. I was fortunate that I was able to figure out which was Shinola.

I am a huge advocate for self-acceptance and focusing on how we see ourselves over how others view us. But truth be told, there are some instances where we will encounter people who will offer kind words and encouragement, which is what I want to highlight in this journal entry.

Over the years, I’ve been told I am “diplomatic” and I have a “calming presence.” Recently, a co-worker shared something with me that I was not expecting. He walked by my office, then he stepped back in the doorway and looked at me. When I saw him pop up again I assumed he needed something from me, but he gave me something instead. He said, “you have a calming presence. A lot of times I get upset and stressed here, but seeing you calms me down.” Although I’ve been told I’m “calming,” hearing it again recently was encouraging and inspiring. It made me feel good because this isn’t something I do deliberately—it is who I am. And being told my natural and unapologetic behavior helps him, encouraged me immensely.

I am grateful to him for sharing his feelings with me. I also appreciate this validating experience. Contrary to what I was told in that previous relationship, being who I am is a good thing.

I Want Butterflies and Someone to Love Me

In most cases when I am engaged in conversation, I can easily respond to whatever I am asked. Even if the subject is something I am unfamiliar with, I typically state the need to look into it and ensure that I will follow-up shortly. However, I was recently asked a question that left me dumbstruck and speechless. Now, this isn’t something that I would classify as strange because we all have or will encounter situations where we are caught off guard by a question or statement.

I was asked, “What do you want, Towanda?” And I had no response. In retrospect, I think I should have been able to easily state what Towanda wants. It is a simple question—right? Since I was unable to answer his question instantaneously, I made it my assignment to figure it out.

So, what does Towanda want? Do I want a monogamous relationship? Or do I want to date whomever whenever I want? What is my ultimate goal? Am I interested in a long-term relationship? Do I want to get married again? Do I just want to spend time with someone talking and sharing our inner-most desires and secrets or enjoy being silent together? Would I like to watch the sunrise with someone special as we cuddle or spoon—and occasionally serve as the big spoon?

Do I want to experience loving someone for life and it be reciprocated? Would I like to be loved in spite of my faults and flaws? Do I want to be accepted and loved beyond what can be seen on the surface and give the same in return?

Do I want a life/relationship that mimics those R&B singles that reside on my playlist? The ones that tell a story of finding, building, and enjoying love. Do I want my love story to begin with the lyrics to “Lifetime” then move to the words of “Someone to love you” followed by the lines to “Share my world?” Yes, that is what I want.

I want butterflies and uncontrollable smiles. I want real, honest, and consistent love. I want acceptance of who I am and who I am not. I want someone to love me, without question or an ounce of doubt in my mind or his. I want a love that understands every day won’t be perfect, but we recognize if we work together, we can face it and work through it.

So, what does Towanda want? She wants to love again, and finally be loved the way she deserves.

Why Am I Single?

Nine months ago I considered being asked why I am single to be one of the most annoying questions ever—second to being asked why I didn’t wear pants in Middle School. I’ll address the pants inquiries at a later date—right now I’m going to focus on my “singlehood.”

In retrospect, I believe I found being questioned about my relationship status annoying because I hadn’t identified the true answer to the question. My response was always focused on other people. I said it was because the men I met were either inconsistent, lacked follow-through, or unavailable—emotionally or otherwise. But I’ve finally acknowledged the real reason why—me. That’s right—it’s not you—it really is me. In a nutshell, I’ve got issues.

It occurred to me that I broached the subject of dating on this blog three years ago—and sadly—not much has changed. I’ve been on a handful of dates that were nice—except for one that I also wrote about—and now I realize the nice ones didn’t get any traction simply because of fear and a lack of trust.

I am terrified of the possibility of repeating my mistakes. Although I’ve identified the things I did wrong in the past, I don’t trust myself to see who is potentially bad for me. But as I am writing this, I just identified another key piece to my dilemma—I shouldn’t be trusting myself.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thy own eyes; fear the Lord, and depart from evil. - Proverbs 3:5-7 KJV

So, I must ask myself what I am going to do now that I experienced this epiphany. The directions are simple, but I mustn't make following them difficult.