November Eleventh: "Nobody's Supposed to Be Here"

Earlier today, I learned about Singles’ Day, which is a Chinese unofficial holiday and shopping season that celebrates people who are not in relationships. It is also considered to be the biggest shopping day in the world. When I initially read about it, I was interested in writing about it and sharing my potential plans to celebrate. Why not? I’m single and I love to shop. But to my astonishment, I’m not excited about celebrating my singlehood.

This is strange because I haven’t been very forward-leaning when it comes to the idea of dating and being in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I made some strides earlier this year, which I shared and I think the “walls of Jericho” I built around my heart came tumbling down. But did it happen too quickly?

Last week I was asked, “What’s the fastest you’ve ever fallen for someone?” Well, I fell for someone in about five minutes—I guess I’m not beyond redemption. But I can’t help but wonder how he got past the walls? How did you get here? Furthermore, now that my heart is exposed and unprotected, will a Trojan horse come galloping in?

My hopeful Galahad is an unexpected blast from the past. Our paths crossed 26-years-ago, and unbeknownst to me, he had a crush on me when I was the ripe age of 19. He revealed this information to me fairly recently and now I am the one who is smitten. And although I am in a state of the unknown, I am doing my best to identify the good. Right now I don’t know if he is my knight in shining armor or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Nevertheless, I will celebrate the fact that I am able to let go of the past and let someone in.

So, how will I celebrate Singles’ Day? Lord willing, I will focus on all the blessings that have been given to me and celebrate the one who makes all things possible. God is in control and my life is in His hands. It doesn’t matter if I am single or boo’d up, I have purpose and it will prevail. I also know the one for me will be revealed in due time. And now that I have a reason to shop—let’s see if that Michael Kors bag I’ve been thinking about is still available and on sale.

I Want Butterflies and Someone to Love Me

In most cases when I am engaged in conversation, I can easily respond to whatever I am asked. Even if the subject is something I am unfamiliar with, I typically state the need to look into it and ensure that I will follow-up shortly. However, I was recently asked a question that left me dumbstruck and speechless. Now, this isn’t something that I would classify as strange because we all have or will encounter situations where we are caught off guard by a question or statement.

I was asked, “What do you want, Towanda?” And I had no response. In retrospect, I think I should have been able to easily state what Towanda wants. It is a simple question—right? Since I was unable to answer his question instantaneously, I made it my assignment to figure it out.

So, what does Towanda want? Do I want a monogamous relationship? Or do I want to date whomever whenever I want? What is my ultimate goal? Am I interested in a long-term relationship? Do I want to get married again? Do I just want to spend time with someone talking and sharing our inner-most desires and secrets or enjoy being silent together? Would I like to watch the sunrise with someone special as we cuddle or spoon—and occasionally serve as the big spoon?

Do I want to experience loving someone for life and it be reciprocated? Would I like to be loved in spite of my faults and flaws? Do I want to be accepted and loved beyond what can be seen on the surface and give the same in return?

Do I want a life/relationship that mimics those R&B singles that reside on my playlist? The ones that tell a story of finding, building, and enjoying love. Do I want my love story to begin with the lyrics to “Lifetime” then move to the words of “Someone to love you” followed by the lines to “Share my world?” Yes, that is what I want.

I want butterflies and uncontrollable smiles. I want real, honest, and consistent love. I want acceptance of who I am and who I am not. I want someone to love me, without question or an ounce of doubt in my mind or his. I want a love that understands every day won’t be perfect, but we recognize if we work together, we can face it and work through it.

So, what does Towanda want? She wants to love again, and finally be loved the way she deserves.

No Joy? Leap for It!

One of my friends had asked me the same question during practically every conversation we had, “Are you dating yet?”

I didn’t necessarily find his inquiries annoying because I know his interest or concern is coming from a good place, but it did cause me to regurgitate my reasons for not dating. And one of the main reasons was fear. I was afraid of not seeing someone is bad for me.

Here’s a little background on that—I believe I ignored a lot of tell-tale signs in a previous relationship that indicated we weren’t compatible. I was blinded by my desires, which kept me from seeing the pending trainwreck I was going to encounter.

This fear caused me to place a wall between me and future potential partners. This friend told me to let go of what happened in the past and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. Although his advice was sound, I received the same nudge from two other sources; my mother and a popular sitcom.

People who know me well, are aware of my love for the Golden Girls. I watch the show faithfully on Hulu every day...yes, every day. I’ve extracted a lot of lessons from the show, but the episode “Rose the Prude,” taught me an invaluable one about taking a chance. In this episode, Rose reluctantly agrees to go on a double date with Blanche and two brothers. As the story unfolds, Rose had been apprehensive about dating because she was comparing every man she met to her late husband Charlie and it wasn’t until she met Ernie on this double date that she began to contemplate the idea of being with another man.

During Rose’s confession to her two best friends, Dorothy gives her some profound advice, “The bottom line is, if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey, if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.”

So, I decided to follow his—and Dorothy’s—advice, and I took a leap.  I’m glad I did. The change in my mindset has allowed me to experience feelings of excitement and happiness, which I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

You may not be in a situation like mine. You might be contemplating starting a new job, starting a business, or writing a book. Whatever you are pondering over pursuing that you believe will bring you joy—leap for it! The end result may be bad or it may be good, but you won’t know if you don’t leap.