MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 8

“You know, but do you understand?”

— Unknown

At this point in my life, I believe I recognize the difference between knowledge and understanding. When I was younger, I saw the two words as interchangeable, but now I know and understand better. Knowledge is facts, information, and skills one acquires through experience or education. Understanding is comprehending or grasping something mentally. As strange as it may sound, you can know something without understanding it.

When I created the gratitude journal, my intent was to focus on specific life events that make me a better person. Although I am eternally grateful for my life “staples,” I didn’t want to write about them in the journal. However, like most things in life, I experienced something that allowed me to see it would be very remiss of me not to express my appreciation for them. So, I decided to revise the purpose of the journal.

A little over a week ago—Thursday to be exact—I turned 45. To be honest, I haven’t fully digested the fact that I am in my mid-forties, and it is also hard for me to embrace the fact that the tiny human wrapped in white blankets in the photo above is me.

I entered this world on Thursday, August 5, 1976. All of the days I’ve seen haven’t been filled with butterflies and rainbows, but I realize they could have been worse. I recall a more than pleasant childhood. All my needs were met and I got more than a fair share of my wants too. I was blessed with loving God-fearing parents, and a brother who is my knight in shining armor. I survived the heartbreak of my first love, a failed marriage, and the loss of two babies. You could say I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but I’m still here.

I now understand I have a purpose and with that comes difficult moments, which were designed to teach me where my help comes from. I’m not just aware of who my help is, I also understand He has been with me from the very beginning. He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb 45 years ago.

I am grateful for knowing God is, and I’ve come to know and understand I can’t live without Him.

“For in him, we live, and move, and have our being…”

- Acts 17:28 KJV

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 6; "I'm Giving My Family Their Flowers While They Yet Live"

When I started this journal, I considered my appreciation or feelings of gratitude for my family to be an understood existence. But a conversation I overheard in the restroom at work on Wednesday changed my perspective. By no means was I ear-hustling, I just happened to be in that space at that moment—but the more I think about it—it was for a reason. But before I get into what I heard, I need to share my feelings and act of repentance.

When I entered the restroom—which isn’t that big—there were two women standing by the sinks talking. I was annoyed by their presence and inconsiderate behavior toward others. I mean, they could have their conversation in the hallway. We need to practice social distancing, and I need to wash my hands so I can use the facilities! I was still thinking about it as I was “handling my business.”

They were still talking while I was washing my hands for the second time. At this point in their conversation, I only heard bits and pieces. From what I could gather, they both have children under the age of three. But I distinctly heard one of them say, “I put my mom in hospice.” Then I heard the other woman say, “I’m sorry, I understand. My mother passed away while I was pregnant.” And it was at that moment that I realized I needed to express gratitude for my family.

I am forty-four and I still have both of my parents and my brother—a lot of people can’t say that. The three of them are lucid with reasonable health and strength. But in addition to that, they are good people and we have healthy relationships—everyone can’t say that about their family either.

My mother has always been my biggest cheerleader. She is always available to encourage me with her words or embrace. She is my confidant and my rock. During the most difficult time in my life, she put my needs before hers and was literally by my side, comforting me and praying for me. Her presence and encouragement enabled me to regain strength and confidence to move forward.

Based on what I’ve been told, I believe my father has been the apple of my eye from the moment I entered the world. When I was a kid, I thought he was the strongest man in the world. To me, he is the ideal man and the image of stability. He is a man of few words, so when he speaks, you know it is important. When I was struggling in my marriage, my father spoke four words to me. He said, “you can come home,” which was exactly what I needed to hear.

My brother is my superhero. He always comes to my rescue, without hesitation or question. I remember his response to me every time I called when my first car broke down, which happened A LOT, he simply asked, “Where are you?” And I distinctly remember my then-husband calling my brother when I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with Xavier. After my ex-husband told my brother what was happening, the only thing my brother said was “I’m on my way.”

I am so grateful for my family. They love and support me unconditionally and I appreciate it. I am thankful for every moment I’ve spent with them and I intend to treasure each moment to come.

And although I eventually felt compassion for the women I overheard in the restroom, I am glad I heard their stories. I was reminded of the need to appreciate my loved ones. So, I will give them their flowers every chance I get while they yet live.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 2; Lessons, Love, and Gratitude

There were quite a few things that came to my mind last week that I highlighted as something I am grateful for. But I had a hard time focusing on what to write about and how to express it. It was difficult because I’ve been distracted by a desire that doesn’t look like it will come to fruition. Although the probability of not getting what I want is disappointing, I’ve decided to look for the good in it—mainly the lessons, love, and feelings of gratitude I can draw from it.

1. The lessons: (a.) I’m not going to get what I want all the time. Honestly, I think at the ripe age of 44, I should have grasped this truth by now. But considering how I feel, I hadn’t fully accepted it. (b.) Treat others the way I want to be treated. I’ve given myself a pat on the back for being able to look at situations from different perspectives and appreciate someone else’s point of view. However, how I have been feeling the last few days allowed me to see I’ve missed the mark. I’m experiencing an act or behavior that I’ve demonstrated to other people—and I don’t like it.

2. Love: I am operating in self-love by identifying my mistakes and being mature enough to correct them.

3. Gratitude: I am grateful for the lessons this disappointment taught me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want it and I’m hoping it is just delayed, but whatever the outcome, I am appreciative of the lessons, the love, and the gratitude it birthed.