A while ago, I commented on a post that caused some emotional pain to surface. The question was: What is the most hurtful thing your ex said to you? To be frank, I have a lot of content to choose from, but one statement immediately came to my mind. He said, “Why don’t you just get an abortion!” I don’t recall what led him to say those words in that moment. Granted, most of the time we spent alone together involved some level of disagreement and unwelcome barbs. What he said hurt, but what I think caused the most damage was the fact that weeks following his demonstration of discontent I endured a miscarriage of my son, Xavier.

I heard those words 15 years ago and they still reside in my memory. I recall mentioning it during a therapy session; however, I was more focused on trying to hold on to a sham of a relationship rather than my emotional and mental healing that I didn’t explore the impact the words had on me. Although my ex was the person who said things that cut and intended to tear me down, I strongly believe he’s not the only person I need to forgive.

I recall a young Towanda who stood up to bullies for others regardless of their gender or size. Where was she when I needed her? Why didn’t she come to my rescue? Why did I allow Towanda to be belittled? Why did I accept ridicule and mistreatment? Why did I allow myself to be pushed emotionally and physically? Why didn’t I stop the name-calling and yelling? Where were you, Towanda?

Although I believe everything happens for a reason—even the events that hurt and leave us perplexed—I needed to ask myself those questions. Additionally, I can’t say I know or fully understand the why behind my experiences, but I recognize they shaped the woman I am. If I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t know God’s grace is sufficient. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be a testimony of God’s infallible love. It is imperative that I embrace everything that happens to me, but there’s more that is required of me.

Writing this reminded me of words I shared that I need to re-apply to myself. In full transparency, I thought the above paragraphs encompassed everything I needed to accept, but there were more questions I needed to ask myself. Specifically, what role did I play in the encounters of my aforementioned entanglement? Additionally, what aspect of my character attracted him to me? If I am responsible for drawing him to me, do I still possess the characteristics that lured him? By no means am I implying people who endured unhealthy relationships caused—or even deserved—it. What I am saying is, it is beneficial to self-evaluate after any negative encounter to ensure we didn’t cause the problem or add any toxicity to it.

Now that I’m forgiven, there are two things I need to focus on: reflecting and pruning to prepare for a healthy relationship with myself and others and examine myself to ensure I have fully remitted everyone I believed caused me harm. Here’s to healing.