Reflections: My Children Are Angels

When my niece was born twenty-some years ago, I distinctly remember how the waiting room was set up. I also recall watching my brother periodically look at me with one eye when he woke up momentarily from his catnap as he awaited the arrival of his first child. Although the birth of Miss Morgan was monumental, something else occurred in that hospital waiting room that made a profound impact on my psyche. I had no idea the event would hit me personally seven years later.

On the night my beautiful niece came into this world, there was another person who made an unexpected mark in my mind. She was dark-skinned, slim, and relatively tall, compared to me, but what I remember the most was the fact that she was crying. I watched her sit down as she was handed a photo, and she said, “He looks like me.” Her baby died.

Over the past twenty-some years the activity I just described has replayed in my mind. I could hear and see the pain she was experiencing, but I had no idea I would have a connection with that stranger years later. I believe that encounter happened for a reason and I think of her often. And as I am writing this I realize I should have prayed for her in those moments she visited my mind, so I will pray for her now.

I know how it feels to have all your hopes you have for your child’s life to vanish within seconds. It is a pain I lack the words to describe. It is also a feeling that visits me sometimes. In full transparency, it almost overtook me yesterday during a conversation with two of my coworkers.

One of the members of my team is expecting her second child. She is due to deliver in a few weeks and she was sharing all of the things she is preparing and the things she is worried about. As she was talking, my mind drifted back to 2011 and 2013, and I replayed the moments when I lost my sons.

When the conversation ended and I was by myself, sadness started to grow within me, but I was able to counter it when I remembered God’s will is perfect, even if I don’t understand it.

“In every thing give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” -I Thessalonians 5:18 KJV

I decided to give God thanks instead of being sad and I was uplifted. By no means am I saying one shouldn’t grieve. On the contrary, grief is natural and can be beneficial when it is processed healthily. With this in mind, today, 15 October, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. it is my hope and prayer that those of us who have experienced infant and pregnancy loss find comfort and healing today and every day.

Please Forgive Me, Towanda

A while ago, I commented on a post that caused some emotional pain to surface. The question was: What is the most hurtful thing your ex said to you? To be frank, I have a lot of content to choose from, but one statement immediately came to my mind. He said, “Why don’t you just get an abortion!” I don’t recall what led him to say those words in that moment. Granted, most of the time we spent alone together involved some level of disagreement and unwelcome barbs. What he said hurt, but what I think caused the most damage was the fact that weeks following his demonstration of discontent I endured a miscarriage of my son, Xavier.

I heard those words 15 years ago and they still reside in my memory. I recall mentioning it during a therapy session; however, I was more focused on trying to hold on to a sham of a relationship rather than my emotional and mental healing that I didn’t explore the impact the words had on me. Although my ex was the person who said things that cut and intended to tear me down, I strongly believe he’s not the only person I need to forgive.

I recall a young Towanda who stood up to bullies for others regardless of their gender or size. Where was she when I needed her? Why didn’t she come to my rescue? Why did I allow Towanda to be belittled? Why did I accept ridicule and mistreatment? Why did I allow myself to be pushed emotionally and physically? Why didn’t I stop the name-calling and yelling? Where were you, Towanda?

Although I believe everything happens for a reason—even the events that hurt and leave us perplexed—I needed to ask myself those questions. Additionally, I can’t say I know or fully understand the why behind my experiences, but I recognize they shaped the woman I am. If I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t know God’s grace is sufficient. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be a testimony of God’s infallible love. It is imperative that I embrace everything that happens to me, but there’s more that is required of me.

Writing this reminded me of words I shared that I need to re-apply to myself. In full transparency, I thought the above paragraphs encompassed everything I needed to accept, but there were more questions I needed to ask myself. Specifically, what role did I play in the encounters of my aforementioned entanglement? Additionally, what aspect of my character attracted him to me? If I am responsible for drawing him to me, do I still possess the characteristics that lured him? By no means am I implying people who endured unhealthy relationships caused—or even deserved—it. What I am saying is, it is beneficial to self-evaluate after any negative encounter to ensure we didn’t cause the problem or add any toxicity to it.

Now that I’m forgiven, there are two things I need to focus on: reflecting and pruning to prepare for a healthy relationship with myself and others and examine myself to ensure I have fully remitted everyone I believed caused me harm. Here’s to healing.