All We Need Resides Within Us: A Lesson from Women's History

If you read anything I’ve written as a guest writer or on my personal blogs, you are fully aware of my thoughts regarding self-acceptance and self-affirmation. For those of you who are not familiar with my ideas - I will provide a little background. In a nutshell, I don’t think we should expect or look for acceptance outside of self, but I do believe in positive influence.

I recently saw a commercial that ignited a lot of thoughts in my mind concerning affirmation and acceptance of self. The commercial highlights the power of influence through media and how it can be used to teach young girls they can aspire to do anything in life. Although I understand the message and I realize how influential media is, I think we can use better sources of positivity to encourage and inspire our youth. Personally, I would prefer my niece and nephew be exposed to images and achievements of Condoleezza Rice over a hip hop artist that uses broken English and profanity to express thoughts; and also considers purchasing a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes a major accomplishment - but, I digress.

As I gave thought to this subject, I considered how effective seeing positive women have influenced me. However, in order to put that influence into action I needed to believe in myself. Which, brings me to the title of this post. March is Women’s History month, a time I think is perfect for reflection, sharing, and learning. There are several women in history that I find influential and inspiring because I’ve seen them on television or I read about things they’ve done. I would jump at the chance to meet Michelle Obama, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton, or Oprah Winfrey to converse about what drives them. However, there are some additional women who inspire and encourage me that lived centuries before I was born.

Eve, Hannah, Sacagawea, Harriet Tubman, and Susan B. Anthony are a few women who demonstrated courage without the influence of television and film. Which causes me to believe everything they needed to leave their mark on all of us today resided within them. God is no respecter of persons, so why would you or I be any different?

Biblically, Eve was the first woman - “mother of all who have life.” Eve had no other woman to emulate, confide in, or ask for advice. Hannah, a woman I identify with, was considered abnormal because she was unable to have children during a time where a woman’s lot in life was to be a wife and mother. In spite of ridicule and sadness, she exercised her faith and trust in God.

A teenager by the name of Sacagawea was taken from her home and people, but enabled peaceful trade and a successful expedition. She was the only woman on this journey with 32 men, but exercised resilience to be an asset to the mission. I cannot begin to fathom the amount of strength and courage Harriet Tubman had to do what she did. And although I don’t agree with every tactic used by Susan B. Anthony during the fight for Women’s Rights, I realize her zeal and determination came from a place of dissatisfaction for the way things were. And even though the victory in 1920 didn’t secure the Black vote per se, I believe it was a stepping stone for the rights we have today.

I want to encourage you to take some time this month to find a way to celebrate Women’s History; and in the process inspire another woman and a young girl to be a maker of history. Let’s be examples of, “Nevertheless, she persisted.”

Why Do We Pledge Allegiance to a Flag?

The thought to question why we pledge allegiance to a flag never occurred to me until all the uproar began when Colin Rand Kaepernick decided to take a knee during the national anthem. I recall reciting the pledge of allegiance every morning during my adolescent and teenage years as a school student. I never questioned why I was doing it or even what it meant. I just did it because I was told to by my teachers. But, what does it mean?

The word allegiance is defined as, “loyalty or commitment of a subordinate to a superior or of an individual to a group or cause.” (pause for reaction)The current version of the pledge of allegiance reads as follows; “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” This is by far one of the biggest lies I have ever told. Where do I even begin?

Why am I subordinate to a flag, group or cause? And what cause or group am I supposedly subordinate to? And why is it supposedly superior over me? One nation under whose God? Indivisible? Since when? Justice for all? Please! When has there ever been justice for all in this country? Right now, I am thinking teaching children to recite this is just as bad as encouraging them to believe in an Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, and good ole Santa Claus. It is all fictional. Don’t get me wrong, despite the discontent I feel for some of the things that have transpired in our nation, I will never deny my country or wish harm to it. But, at this point in my life there are several practices that I question - and the pledge of allegiance is one of them.

It was originally written by Rear Admiral George Balch in 1887, and a lot has changed since then. It is possible that when it was composed the intent was for this nation to be as one, undivided and supply liberty and justice to all - at least from the writer’s perspective. But, somewhere along the way that intent became blurred.

The Native Americans who occupied this land before the pilgrimage of the European settlers weren’t included in the claim of liberty and justice for all; and neither were my forefathers who were brought to this country against their will. And do I need to mention the generations of Blacks that followed? Or the ones who died at the hands of the people who swore to protect and serve - yeah, them.

I am not trying to start a revolution or even a debate. This is just a topic that has me curious and I think it is a fair question to ask. Are the statements within this “pledge” true as this country stands today? Are the statements even pliable, as they are, to be applied to all Americans today? I don’t think we can honestly say yes to either of those questions. Can anything be done to fix it? Is there any concern to fix it?

The Ordinary Just Won't Do; Is this Irony?

Back in 1989 I heard, "Ordinary Just Won't Do" by Commissioned coming from my brother's room every Sunday morning while I dressed for church. It would be fair to say the song reminds me of him, so when the song popped in my head earlier this week I picked up the phone to call him. I considered the stroll down memory lane as an indicator to check on my big brother and just say hello. I had no idea there was more for me to gain from it.

At the beginning of this month I made the decision to "live." I set my mind on doing more and enjoying this thing called life. One of the things on my "to do list" is going out more. So, I made plans to have dinner with an old acquaintance I hadn't seen in a while. We agreed to meet at one of my favorite cozy spots in Tysons Corner, Wildfire Grill, for dinner.

My day did not go as I had hoped. I thought I was going to have an easy day with a light workload - boy was I wrong. I didn't eat lunch until 3:30 pm and I did not see the likelihood of me leaving for the day at 5:00 pm. I gave him a call to let him know I would be late. I almost put work first again, but I was reminded of my decision to balance my life and enjoy it - so, I decided to leave work to have dinner then return to work to finish the tasks that were assigned to me.

The evening started off bumpy and I began to get irritated - but, I told myself to let it go and make the best it. However, my optimism was wasted because things only got worse. 

Where do I begin? He was extremely loud and combative with the server. It didn't take long for me to realize the dude was intoxicated. People were staring and I was becoming embarrassed - everything within me was telling me, "leave." I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure how to address the situation and make my exit. In retrospect, I think I should have pretended I forgot to do something to give myself a way out - but, I chose to be honest and directly asked him if he had been drinking. He told me he had - and he explained that his intoxication was my fault. His explanation involved more loud talking and expletives. I gathered my things, turned to him and said, "I apologize for being late..take care" and I swiftly walked out. When I got into my vehicle I turned on my playlist and chuckled when I heard the aforementioned Commissioned song - it is true, the ordinary just won't do. Even though I was hoping to have an enjoyable dinner, I gained much more. 

One of the synonyms of the word ordinary is common, which means, "showing lack of taste and refinement; vulgar." I am not an ordinary woman, so why would I associate with someone who is? I know my worth. Not only do I deserve respect, but I require it as well. 

I was looking forward to a nicely prepared filet mignon and asparagus, but I was content with my microwave popcorn and Cherry Coke with a sober companion - me. Initially I considered this incident as an epic fail, but it is actually a huge success. I can remember a time when I accepted the shortcomings of someone else as my cross to bear, and the negative behavior of another as a reflection of me. But, today I stand grateful for growth and realization that the ordinary just won't do. 

I've Decided to Stop Letting Life Pass Me By

Throughout this week I have not been feeling the greatest. I am not sure if I caught some kind of bug or if my body is just exhausted. Whatever the reason, I had absolutely no desire to do anything that required putting on a bra today.

As I was lounging earlier, I skimmed through the latest issue of Essence magazine - the one with Kofi Siriboe on the cover looking quite delicious, and I stumbled upon the "Sex & Love" section. In this edition of the magazine there is an annual review that asks questions related to one's romantic life and sex drive. Granted, there are other areas the article addresses, but these two areas stood out to me.  To be perfectly honest there were two questions that almost depressed the hell out of me and made me ask, "What have I been doing for the last 336 days?!?"

The questions that made me pause and ponder were; "How many dates I went on" and "How many times I had sex." I realized my answer is zero. How pathetic. I haven't been on any dates in 2017. Why? Furthermore, I can only name a few occasions where I went out with friends. All I do is go to work! This needs to change. As far as sex is concerned, I have my beliefs when it comes to this subject, but I will be real. There is a difference between a conscience decision to be celibate and celibacy by default.

One of my favorite songs is "Lifetime" by Maxwell simply because I can relate to the lyrics. I was reborn after being broken and I realize I must be open in order to get something better than what I had before. But, most importantly, I have a choice to either let life pass me by or make the best out of each day I am blessed to see. I believe I should give my best efforts to my career, but I  should not make it my life. 

I am not the type to make resolutions or claim to "turn over a new leaf." But, I have decided to balance my life. I've whined over too many regrets. It is time for me to redeem the time and start doing and fully enjoying this thing called life. Simply because it is a precious gift.

The Ghost of Christmas Past: A Message to My Wasband - It's Time for Me to Exhale

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

— Lily Tomlin

I wasn’t sure about sharing this piece or keeping it to myself. Publishing it may make me vulnerable or even viewed differently. But, if I claim to be unapologetically myself – why should the thoughts of others matter? Furthermore, a close friend of mine reminded me that my story can be beneficial to someone who is going through a difficult time. I believe my words can inspire and encourage someone else.

“She told me I was her greatest teacher…and you will tell me that too.” Those words came from my ex during one of our numerous “discussions” regarding our relationship. He was trying to convince one or both of us that he was a positive influence in my life. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I say I’m not sure because I partially agree with the statement.

Over the past few months I have been pondering over my frustrations with dating. It seems as if there is a lack of follow through with every guy I meet and I don’t understand it. There isn’t an issue with men finding me attractive and interesting, but for some reason the courting doesn’t seem to flow and I think I may know why.

I can recall conversing with other females who complained about dating – and how the same issues where constantly arising in every relationship. My response was, “what is the common denominator?” Well, Towanda – what is the common denominator in your situation? – You.

Earlier this evening I was battling with my lack of inspiration to write. Nothing was coming to mind that drove me to type until I started thinking about my non-existing dating life.  I asked myself a question, “Are my frustrations with dating related to the men I’m meeting or am I the problem?” As I began to think about the answer to this question I realized I haven’t truly come to terms with how I feel about my ex-husband. I haven’t fully expressed or let go of the anger and resentment I have toward him and I think this is hindering my progress for a new relationship. I can’t help but wonder if my possible suitors see the bitterness within me. Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are several aspects of dating; timing, level of interest, and just plain life. However, I recognize the need to acknowledge my issues, resolve them, and prepare myself for my next relationship.

The fact of the matter is, I would absolutely love to curse my ex-husband from here to next Tuesday. I would enjoy screaming obscenities and flipping him the bird just like he did to me when we were married. So – here I go.

           I resent you for all of the negative things you said and did to me and how the stress of living with your anger and volatile behavior, played a part in the early delivery and deaths of my children. But, most of all, I resent you for telling me you love me and stating what a great person I am after treating me like I was worthless for two years. However, I have decided – in this moment, to forgive you. Not because you sincerely apologized or acknowledged your wrong doing, but because I deserve inner peace and happiness.

          Were you my greatest teacher? No, but you taught me a lot. You taught me what not to do in my future relationship and you showed me that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. You enabled me to see my worth in the midst of your mistreatment of me. I have exhaled the pain. I have exhaled you. Peace be unto you and me.