Dating Woes: Is Caution the Same as Fear?

A few weeks ago I had a conversation concerning my dating status - or my non-existent dating status I should say. It has been a while since I've been on a date.  I haven't given up on love and the hope of a healthy relationship - nor have I given up on the male species. But, I have to admit that I am somewhat apprehensive about fully entering back into the world of dating.

There are several things one should be concerned about when it comes to dating; men on the down low or in denial about their sexual orientation - not to mention cheaters, liars, and plain crazies. It is unfortunate that I am not really Wonder Woman - like I thought I was as kid with my lasso of truth - however, I realize I do have some real tools to assist me in the dating world.

I have considered my non-existent dating status as a cautious move - a way to ensure I make the best choices when it comes to who I date. It is true that I do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past, but I do wonder if this desire is really fear in disguise. When I was in my twenties, I made the mistake of not being true to myself and expressing what I wanted. I told myself I was content with being single. In hindsight, my decision to withhold my true desires was out of fear. I was afraid of the possibility of my "partner" not wanting the same thing and being left alone - so I settled for what they gave me.

Now in my late thirties, I understand the importance of honesty - not only with the individual I am dating but also with myself. Since I realize a key element to dating, and relationships in general - what hinders me? During the aforementioned conversation, I was asked why I wasn't dating. As I pondered over the question, I came up with a few factors; number one - I have been expecting men to pursue me a certain way, number two - I may be giving off an "I'm taken" vibe, and number three - I'm not looking.

Examining these factors one by one, I am not the same person I was when I was twenty - I'm almost 40, and the same type of man that approached me when I was 25 is not going to approach me now. So, I need to alter my perception of what to expect when I am approached. As far as the "I'm taken" vibe, maybe I need to examine how I behave while I'm in public. Now that I think about it, I don't really take notice of men noticing me - maybe I should be a little more aware of my possible suitors. Or am I unconsciously keeping them at bay out of fear? Now to my third factor, I'm not looking. Truth be told, I don't think I should be looking - or is this just another camouflaged fear?

After reviewing my factors, I admit that I am afraid of the possibility of meeting someone who has masked insecurities and pretends to be someone they are not. I don't want to invest my time and energy into someone only to learn I have been hoodwinked. But, I have reminded myself of a quote I stumbled upon;

“I’m stronger because I had to be, I’m smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I’ve known, and now wiser because I learned.”

— Curiano Life Quotes

The above quote is my testimony. I discovered strength I didn't know I possessed, I have endured pain that makes me appreciate joy, and I have learned that I can handle whatever comes my way. So, now I must be woman enough to acknowledge my fears and use my obtained wisdom to conquer them. As I've stated before, I have made my share of mistakes in the past, but I learned from them. I know what to look for and the importance of not overlooking anything I find alarming. Furthermore;

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

— 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

With all things considered, I will put on my big girl (sexy) panties and reenter the world of dating. I realize I have nothing to fear or be "cautious" about - I am much wiser now. I definitely know what I don't want, and that is a huge step in the right direction.

"Where is Her Husband?"

The above question came from the mouth of a child in regards to me about two weeks ago. Granted, I wasn't supposed to hear it - nevertheless, I did. Several thoughts passed through my mind as I processed the child's question; how did he know I am husband-less? Do I look divorced? Does my countenance scream " SINGLE WOMAN HERE?" I will admit that I felt a little awkward - for a moment, but then I realized the absence of my ex is a good thing.

“Choose your husband carefully - you only have yourself to blame if it ends badly ”

— Professor Annalise Keating, How To Get Away With Murder

In spite of the fact that I am quite fond of the above quote, I realize women should not be looking for a husband.

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

— Proverbs 18:22 KJV

Even though our husbands are to find us - there are some things we as women should be doing so we may be found. And we must also be sure that we are saying yes to the right man, and for the right reasons. We should not marry out of fear of being alone or because we want to be able to say, "I's married now!" There is more to marriage than being Mrs. So-n-So. I bought into the "Happily Ever After" fairy tale. I also admit that I was concerned about the ticking of my biological clock and the fears of becoming an old maid. I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything else back then - and I acknowledge I was blinded by those desires.

When I got married a few years ago, I thought it was going to last forever, but it only lasted for a few risings of the sun and a few settings of the same. Now, I know why it didn't last. In retrospect, I realize the mistakes I made and the signals that I ignored. I regret not being more in tuned to the nonverbal messages of my ex and my concerns regarding his behavior. I've learned a valuable lesson - there are vital ingredients to having a successful relationship, and trust and honesty are two of them.

If your significant other questions your every move and doubts your loyalty to them, plausible or not, they don't trust you. And if you wonder if your partner is working on a fictitious novel when he explains his whereabouts - you don't trust him. If you determine there are trust issues within your relationship, talk about it and be honest - don't make excuses. You may be able to fix it by finding the source and build trust between the two of you, or you will identify some insecurities of your partner and dodge a bullet, or you will see your own insecurities, and then learn how to improve your self-esteem.

I think we should model children when it comes to our communication. Meaning, young children tell us exactly what they are thinking - no filter. As we get older, we learn to lie, or how to embellish our words to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. I don't believe we should have filters with our SO; we should be transparent. Being transparent will enable us to know for sure that we are truly loved for who we are because we are completely exposed. And this behavior will leave no question on where we stand in regards to our relationship.

So, if you are still wondering why I said it is a good thing that my ex is my ex - in a nutshell, we lacked two vital ingredients for a successful relationship. Trust and complete honesty were not present in that relationship and those missing ingredients put a huge strain on the marriage.  It is very frustrating being involved with someone who does not trust you. And the answer to "where is her husband?" is - he hasn't found me yet. But, I will make the best out of every step on my path, husband or not.

Is Monogamy Becoming Archaic?

I'm not sure if it is the times we are living in or if my sense of awareness has been aroused about monogamy. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware of the fact that there is nothing new under the sun - but, it appears as if extramarital relationships are common these days. From television shows to normal everyday life. It seems like having a "side piece" is the "cool" thing to do. It also seems like having "open" relationships is becoming an adopted behavior as well. They are often viewed as a healthy way to balance a relationship. Are we moving to a world that is acceptive of polygamy?

As I began to ponder over the decrease of monogamy, I thought about the existence of polygamy and my thoughts toward it. I recall hearing and reading scriptures that describe several influential and powerful men of the Bible who had several wives - what changed? As I searched for answers to my question, I found an article that satisfied my curiosity, "Why did God allow polygamy/bigamy in the Bible?" http://www.gotquestions.org/polygamy.html

The article discusses how the Bible doesn't "explicitly condemn" polygamy. As I mentioned before, there are several prominent men who were polygamists in the Old Testament. The article also addresses how unmarried women were unable to support themselves in those days. Single women faced the fate of slavery or prostitution, so being one of many wives to one husband offered security and provision. If I could only be a prostitute or enslaved as a single woman - I think I would have agreed to be wife number whatever. I am grateful that there are more options available to women these days. But, I digress.

The writer states that polygamy is not legal in most nations, and we are reminded that we are to obey the laws the government establishes. Having said that, how would I feel if polygamy was legalized in these united states? Honestly, I'm not sure. I don't like the idea of having multiple husbands. I could see that getting on my nerves - more than one man asking where his socks are and telling me he's hungry and please don't let them be sick at the same time! Furthermore, I am not so sure I could be happy with the idea of sharing my significant other. Call me old fashioned, but if a man says he is going to commit to me - I expect him to commit to me and only me. Maybe it's the peacock in me. I am a giving person; however - there are some things I'm just not willing to share.

I also realize my way of thinking could be a result of conditioning. I was taught, as a small child, that marriage is between one man and one woman. I also believe married couples should honor the vow to forsake all others. I mean, if you're not going to forsake all others - why get married?

Death To Old Maid

When I was in my mid-20s, I wondered if something was wrong with me because I was still single. I recall thinking everyone I knew was in a relationship and I was the only one who was alone. In my mind, I was the only one in my family in the 20s age bracket that didn't have someone to bring to the family dinners. I admit that back then, I wondered if some of my family members thought that was suspect.

As a little girl, I had thoughts and hopes of becoming a wife and mother once I became an adult. I had envisioned a husband and children in my future. I never imagined I would be single and without my children at this point in my life. Back then, I thought becoming a wife and mother was an absolute part of life as a woman. The reality is, everyone is not going to be married or a parent.

Society has led a lot of females to expect marriage and children to be a part of their existence. And when it seems like it's not happening at the time we believe it should - we begin to wonder what is wrong with us. This influence takes root when we are very young. The toys we are given and the games we seem to automatically play as adolescents testify to how deeply this ideal is imbedded. Not to mention the movies and television shows we watched in our youth had an effect on how we thought life would pan out. Should I even get into those beautiful Fairy Tales we read before laying down for bed? If I do have a daughter one day, I think I will play Anita Baker's "Fairy Tales" instead.

I think there are a lot of women who find themselves following what I like to call a "fictitious life timeline" – meaning, there is an idea that a woman should be married with children by a certain age. And when we are not, oftentimes we are viewed as suspect and we are given the stigma of a Spinster or an Old Maid.

A spinster, or old maid, is defined as an unmarried woman who is past the usual age for marrying and is considered unlikely to marry. This definition bothers me and raises a lot of questions in my mind; what is the usual age for marrying? Who determined it? Why does this criteria determine the unlikely-hood of getting married? And, why does it only apply to women? Unmarried men are considered bachelors, no matter how old they get - what is up with that? Why are women the only ones given this ideal to fret?

Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the struggles of a single woman "of a certain age". The desire to be married with children can be overwhelming. The frustration of receiving wedding invitations followed by baby shower invitations -and not to mention the flood of wedding pictures and baby pictures on social media add fuel to the already burning fire. You wonder, "When will it be my turn?" Trust me, I know - I've been there. It's not easy all the time. I don't believe anyone in their right mind wants to be viewed as anything negative and unwanted - so, death to Old Maid!  Just because Sally from down the street that you played jump rope with, got married and has three children and you don't, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Sally's path is not your path.

Instead of using energy thinking about when your acquaintances or family members got married and comparing it to your life - use that energy to celebrate and enjoy where you are right now in your life. There are some things about being single that, in most cases, change once you get married and have children. For instance, several years ago I was sitting in traffic on my way home from work when I noticed a plane flying overhead. As I looked at the plane, I realized the freedom my "singlehood" offered. It occurred to me that if I wanted to, I could have driven to the airport and purchased a ticket to go anywhere I wanted at that moment. I didn't have to call and ask anyone's permission, I didn't need to locate a babysitter, nor did I have to check with a spouse for concurrence. I could do anything I wanted.

I implore you not to buy into the idea of the existence of Old Maids or that fictitious life timeline. You are a single woman treading on your own path that aligns with a personal timeline designed only for you. So make the best of every step you take on your path.

I do realize companionship is nice. It is great having someone to share good times with, but in the meantime make the best of what your life entails now instead of dreaming of it being different. By no means am I saying dreaming is a bad thing - it isn't. But, like Alicia Keys said, "the present is a gift" - don't overlook it.

Truth Be Told

May I be honest about my thoughts concerning marriage? I don’t believe there are a lot of honest conversations about what marriage entails. And because of this I don't think people have a true understanding of what they are getting into when they say "I Do."

I am a fan of social media; I’m active on quite a few sites. However, I think some people who are on social media depict a not so truthful picture of how married life is. Don’t get me wrong, it is true that my marriage did not succeed, but that does not mean I do not believe in marriage anymore. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Nor have I given up all hope of having a successful marriage of my own one day. Furthermore, I'm not a bitter divorcee who is a hop, skip, and a jump away from her forties. I still believe in marriage, I have a lot of examples of healthy marriages in my life. My parents being one of them, my parents have been married for 45 years, and they still like each other. Even though I have a wonderful example of a working marriage, I am not naïve to the fact that marriage takes work. Not only does marriage take work daily, but it also is not full of rainbows, butterflies and sunshine every day.

Truthfully, I am quite annoyed by individuals who post how wonderful their marriage is every day and how elated they are in their marriage. By no means am I a hater – I know from experience, that every day in a marriage is not a happy one. And I honestly believe those individuals who choose to give the impression that it is add pixie dust to the fantasy. I was under the impression that once I got married all my relationship troubles were going to be over - boy was I wrong. If anything, the trials become more difficult. And that should be expected. I spent a lot of time hoping I would be swept off my feet by a wonderful man who loved me dearly and unconditionally, and we would live happily ever after. I was convinced that being married would make everything perfect.

I say difficulties should be expected in marriage for a couple of reasons. Mainly because marriage is ordained by God. In the Book of Genesis, God established marriage as sacred. He determined a method of uniting one man and one woman together. For this reason, married couples should expect problems to arise. Furthermore, let's look at the obvious. You are two different people being joined as one. During your single days, you had your views and outlook on life. You had your individual ambitions and desires and the person you married had their own. It is not strange or even wrong to clash. You are two different people with different ideas; you will not always agree. I would definitely question your relationship if you always agree and never argue. If you always agree and never annoy each other - someone is not being honest. We're human - your significant other is going to get on your nerves, and you are going to get on theirs. In all honesty, we are both annoyed and annoying in all of our relationships. Being annoyed doesn't mean you don't love your spouse.

I think those of us who have experienced marriage should be willing to discuss what it really means to partake in this covenant. Not necessarily airing dirty laundry, but expressing those things that we didn't know would take place until after we were married. We should discuss the things that would have been helpful beforehand.

For an example, it is imperative to have conversations about everything. And when I say everything - I mean everything. Talk about whether or not you want children, and if you have children - discuss how you will raise them. How will you discipline them? Will you discipline them? Do you believe in the same faith? If not, will you be able to live together with different religious beliefs? Furthermore, how will you raise your children in regards to their faith and belief system? Talk about sex. Find out what they like and don't like. You need to know if they are willing to do the strange and kinky things you like. And you must talk about money. When these conversations transpire, be honest. It is also very important to listen to the answers and ask yourself if you will be able to accept what you are being told for the rest of your life.

I've expressed a few things for the advice giver; now I want to address the advice receiver. Listen to the individuals that are offering advice about marriage to you that are or have been married before. In retrospect, I wish I had listened to those who were trying to help me. I was thinking, "I know what I'm doing...Just because your marriage was like that doesn't mean mine will." Regardless of what happened in the advice giver's marriage, they've traveled the road you're starting. Take the meat and throw away the bones. I honestly believe things would have been different for me had I listened.

So, I encourage those who have said "I Do" to offer advice to those who are considering marriage. And I encourage those of you who are interested in saying "I Do" to listen to those who have traveled the road before you.