Good and Bad Hair

Why is there so much division concerning hair in the Black community? As I've mentioned before, I participate on social media sites, and I've seen quite a few posts and statements that almost condemn those of us who choose to wear extensions or relaxers. I've read posts that state women who wear weaves or relaxed hair hate themselves, and we want to conform to what White America deems as beautiful. Why does it have to be so deep? Why does getting a relaxer have to mean self-hate? Can't I just like weaves? Can it be ok that I prefer wearing my hair straight? And please tell me how my hair defines how Black I am? I admit that I was apprehensive about sharing my thoughts concerning hair and the Black community - by no means do I want to offend or piss anybody off, but the subject puzzles me.

A few years ago I attempted to wear my hair naturally. I was pregnant at the time, and I was concerned about the chemicals having an effect on my unborn child. Wearing my hair naturally was also a request from my then-husband - and I disliked it immensely. I'm not sure if it was my lack of patience or talent-less efforts of styling my hair, but I looked bad. Don't get me wrong, I looked nice when I walked out of the salon, but every day after that was an uphill battle.

I have seen plenty of women who wear their hair naturally, and it looks beautiful, and I've seen women wearing relaxed hair and extensions that look equally beautiful. I see hair as an expression of style and individuality. Just like the flexibility of choosing a boot over a sneaker, we have the same opportunity when it comes to how we wear our hair. So, instead of looking at the state of a woman's hair as self-hatred - how about viewing it as self-expression of what each woman identifies as being what is best for her.

Most of us like to be pleased with the reflection we see in the mirror, and I encourage every woman natural or not - to do what makes her feel at her best and like the reflection in that mirror. And instead of us, as Black women, labeling who is better because of whatever - let's love and embrace our differences and the ways we choose to express them. You have to admit, variety is the spice of life. Furthermore, we experience enough negativity from people outside of our race. Do we really need to perpetuate it within our own?


 

Death To Old Maid

When I was in my mid-20s, I wondered if something was wrong with me because I was still single. I recall thinking everyone I knew was in a relationship and I was the only one who was alone. In my mind, I was the only one in my family in the 20s age bracket that didn't have someone to bring to the family dinners. I admit that back then, I wondered if some of my family members thought that was suspect.

As a little girl, I had thoughts and hopes of becoming a wife and mother once I became an adult. I had envisioned a husband and children in my future. I never imagined I would be single and without my children at this point in my life. Back then, I thought becoming a wife and mother was an absolute part of life as a woman. The reality is, everyone is not going to be married or a parent.

Society has led a lot of females to expect marriage and children to be a part of their existence. And when it seems like it's not happening at the time we believe it should - we begin to wonder what is wrong with us. This influence takes root when we are very young. The toys we are given and the games we seem to automatically play as adolescents testify to how deeply this ideal is imbedded. Not to mention the movies and television shows we watched in our youth had an effect on how we thought life would pan out. Should I even get into those beautiful Fairy Tales we read before laying down for bed? If I do have a daughter one day, I think I will play Anita Baker's "Fairy Tales" instead.

I think there are a lot of women who find themselves following what I like to call a "fictitious life timeline" – meaning, there is an idea that a woman should be married with children by a certain age. And when we are not, oftentimes we are viewed as suspect and we are given the stigma of a Spinster or an Old Maid.

A spinster, or old maid, is defined as an unmarried woman who is past the usual age for marrying and is considered unlikely to marry. This definition bothers me and raises a lot of questions in my mind; what is the usual age for marrying? Who determined it? Why does this criteria determine the unlikely-hood of getting married? And, why does it only apply to women? Unmarried men are considered bachelors, no matter how old they get - what is up with that? Why are women the only ones given this ideal to fret?

Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the struggles of a single woman "of a certain age". The desire to be married with children can be overwhelming. The frustration of receiving wedding invitations followed by baby shower invitations -and not to mention the flood of wedding pictures and baby pictures on social media add fuel to the already burning fire. You wonder, "When will it be my turn?" Trust me, I know - I've been there. It's not easy all the time. I don't believe anyone in their right mind wants to be viewed as anything negative and unwanted - so, death to Old Maid!  Just because Sally from down the street that you played jump rope with, got married and has three children and you don't, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Sally's path is not your path.

Instead of using energy thinking about when your acquaintances or family members got married and comparing it to your life - use that energy to celebrate and enjoy where you are right now in your life. There are some things about being single that, in most cases, change once you get married and have children. For instance, several years ago I was sitting in traffic on my way home from work when I noticed a plane flying overhead. As I looked at the plane, I realized the freedom my "singlehood" offered. It occurred to me that if I wanted to, I could have driven to the airport and purchased a ticket to go anywhere I wanted at that moment. I didn't have to call and ask anyone's permission, I didn't need to locate a babysitter, nor did I have to check with a spouse for concurrence. I could do anything I wanted.

I implore you not to buy into the idea of the existence of Old Maids or that fictitious life timeline. You are a single woman treading on your own path that aligns with a personal timeline designed only for you. So make the best of every step you take on your path.

I do realize companionship is nice. It is great having someone to share good times with, but in the meantime make the best of what your life entails now instead of dreaming of it being different. By no means am I saying dreaming is a bad thing - it isn't. But, like Alicia Keys said, "the present is a gift" - don't overlook it.