After a While

This past Friday was not one of my better days; however, in the grand scheme of things, I have experienced much worst. I spent a fair amount of time between Friday night and Saturday deliberately dismissing thoughts related to what I experienced at work on Friday. There were some moments where I was successful with focusing on pleasant things, but anguish, fear, and doubt found its way back to the forefront of my mind. I contemplated not sharing this experience, then it occurred to me that this is another opportunity for me to encourage and inspire someone.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...”

— Revelations 12:11

For the majority of the last 365 days I have been struggling with fear and doubt. I have questioned my abilities and whether or not I should walk away and do something completely different as an occupation. On numerous occasions I have been reminded that I can do all things through Christ, which undoubtedly encouraged me to keep going. But fear and doubt would creep up again and I would find myself questioning and worrying. So, how do I break this annoying and detrimental cycle?

As I settled down to write, I decided to listen to my usual YouTube playlist, which has a throwback music melody by Pastor Marvin Winans. This particular video encourages me every time I watch it. I stumbled upon it for the first time back in 2013 when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. Approximately 10 days before ever seeing the video, I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with my second son. In addition to that, my marriage was falling apart.

While I was in the hospital, my doctor informed me that I had an infection and she believed both my son and I were going to die. Moments before that conversation occurred, my then-husband sent me a text message telling me he was moving out. The next morning I went into labor and delivered my son who died one hour after his birth—which is the second most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The first painful experience was the death of his older brother, which transpired two years earlier.

A week after I was released from the hospital, I moved out of the house I occupied with my then-husband and I lived in an extended-stay hotel in Virginia with my mother for 30 days. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was worried and afraid. I was hurting over the loss of another child and the demise of my marriage. But the song that I heard—that seemed to be random—encouraged me immensely. The words to the song are simple, but inspiring.

“After ‘while it will all be over…after ‘while the sun gon’ shine…after ‘while dark clouds will pass over…and we’ll shout Hallelujah after while…”

The song reminds me of a familiar scripture:

“But may the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

— 1 Peter 5:10 KJV

As I listened to the words to the song I drew strength and encouragement from it and I fully believed everything was going to be all right. I didn’t know when, but I had faith that it was coming—and it did. I distinctly remember the day I genuinely smiled again, December 25, 2013.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,”

— Psalm 30:11

So, how will this cycle of fear and doubt be broken? By trusting the same God who brought my smile back in 2013. The dark clouds passed away and the sun began to shine—and it is going to happen again.

Attribution: Image illustration by Raphael L. McNeal

Death To Old Maid

When I was in my mid-20s, I wondered if something was wrong with me because I was still single. I recall thinking everyone I knew was in a relationship and I was the only one who was alone. In my mind, I was the only one in my family in the 20s age bracket that didn't have someone to bring to the family dinners. I admit that back then, I wondered if some of my family members thought that was suspect.

As a little girl, I had thoughts and hopes of becoming a wife and mother once I became an adult. I had envisioned a husband and children in my future. I never imagined I would be single and without my children at this point in my life. Back then, I thought becoming a wife and mother was an absolute part of life as a woman. The reality is, everyone is not going to be married or a parent.

Society has led a lot of females to expect marriage and children to be a part of their existence. And when it seems like it's not happening at the time we believe it should - we begin to wonder what is wrong with us. This influence takes root when we are very young. The toys we are given and the games we seem to automatically play as adolescents testify to how deeply this ideal is imbedded. Not to mention the movies and television shows we watched in our youth had an effect on how we thought life would pan out. Should I even get into those beautiful Fairy Tales we read before laying down for bed? If I do have a daughter one day, I think I will play Anita Baker's "Fairy Tales" instead.

I think there are a lot of women who find themselves following what I like to call a "fictitious life timeline" – meaning, there is an idea that a woman should be married with children by a certain age. And when we are not, oftentimes we are viewed as suspect and we are given the stigma of a Spinster or an Old Maid.

A spinster, or old maid, is defined as an unmarried woman who is past the usual age for marrying and is considered unlikely to marry. This definition bothers me and raises a lot of questions in my mind; what is the usual age for marrying? Who determined it? Why does this criteria determine the unlikely-hood of getting married? And, why does it only apply to women? Unmarried men are considered bachelors, no matter how old they get - what is up with that? Why are women the only ones given this ideal to fret?

Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the struggles of a single woman "of a certain age". The desire to be married with children can be overwhelming. The frustration of receiving wedding invitations followed by baby shower invitations -and not to mention the flood of wedding pictures and baby pictures on social media add fuel to the already burning fire. You wonder, "When will it be my turn?" Trust me, I know - I've been there. It's not easy all the time. I don't believe anyone in their right mind wants to be viewed as anything negative and unwanted - so, death to Old Maid!  Just because Sally from down the street that you played jump rope with, got married and has three children and you don't, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Sally's path is not your path.

Instead of using energy thinking about when your acquaintances or family members got married and comparing it to your life - use that energy to celebrate and enjoy where you are right now in your life. There are some things about being single that, in most cases, change once you get married and have children. For instance, several years ago I was sitting in traffic on my way home from work when I noticed a plane flying overhead. As I looked at the plane, I realized the freedom my "singlehood" offered. It occurred to me that if I wanted to, I could have driven to the airport and purchased a ticket to go anywhere I wanted at that moment. I didn't have to call and ask anyone's permission, I didn't need to locate a babysitter, nor did I have to check with a spouse for concurrence. I could do anything I wanted.

I implore you not to buy into the idea of the existence of Old Maids or that fictitious life timeline. You are a single woman treading on your own path that aligns with a personal timeline designed only for you. So make the best of every step you take on your path.

I do realize companionship is nice. It is great having someone to share good times with, but in the meantime make the best of what your life entails now instead of dreaming of it being different. By no means am I saying dreaming is a bad thing - it isn't. But, like Alicia Keys said, "the present is a gift" - don't overlook it.