After a While

This past Friday was not one of my better days; however, in the grand scheme of things, I have experienced much worst. I spent a fair amount of time between Friday night and Saturday deliberately dismissing thoughts related to what I experienced at work on Friday. There were some moments where I was successful with focusing on pleasant things, but anguish, fear, and doubt found its way back to the forefront of my mind. I contemplated not sharing this experience, then it occurred to me that this is another opportunity for me to encourage and inspire someone.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...”

— Revelations 12:11

For the majority of the last 365 days I have been struggling with fear and doubt. I have questioned my abilities and whether or not I should walk away and do something completely different as an occupation. On numerous occasions I have been reminded that I can do all things through Christ, which undoubtedly encouraged me to keep going. But fear and doubt would creep up again and I would find myself questioning and worrying. So, how do I break this annoying and detrimental cycle?

As I settled down to write, I decided to listen to my usual YouTube playlist, which has a throwback music melody by Pastor Marvin Winans. This particular video encourages me every time I watch it. I stumbled upon it for the first time back in 2013 when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. Approximately 10 days before ever seeing the video, I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with my second son. In addition to that, my marriage was falling apart.

While I was in the hospital, my doctor informed me that I had an infection and she believed both my son and I were going to die. Moments before that conversation occurred, my then-husband sent me a text message telling me he was moving out. The next morning I went into labor and delivered my son who died one hour after his birth—which is the second most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The first painful experience was the death of his older brother, which transpired two years earlier.

A week after I was released from the hospital, I moved out of the house I occupied with my then-husband and I lived in an extended-stay hotel in Virginia with my mother for 30 days. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was worried and afraid. I was hurting over the loss of another child and the demise of my marriage. But the song that I heard—that seemed to be random—encouraged me immensely. The words to the song are simple, but inspiring.

“After ‘while it will all be over…after ‘while the sun gon’ shine…after ‘while dark clouds will pass over…and we’ll shout Hallelujah after while…”

The song reminds me of a familiar scripture:

“But may the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

— 1 Peter 5:10 KJV

As I listened to the words to the song I drew strength and encouragement from it and I fully believed everything was going to be all right. I didn’t know when, but I had faith that it was coming—and it did. I distinctly remember the day I genuinely smiled again, December 25, 2013.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,”

— Psalm 30:11

So, how will this cycle of fear and doubt be broken? By trusting the same God who brought my smile back in 2013. The dark clouds passed away and the sun began to shine—and it is going to happen again.

Attribution: Image illustration by Raphael L. McNeal

What is Black Excellence?

My participation in my employer’s Black History Month event was eye-opening for multiple reasons. But before I get into that, let me explain what black excellence is. For some, it is a black person who portrays great qualities and abilities that make the black community proud—or at least that is what Urban Dictionary states. To me, it is an aspiration or mindset that demonstrates; strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement—which all are embodied in the history and culture of black people.

In preparation for the event, I was charged with writing my talking points. This shouldn’t be a strange task for me to complete considering I get paid to write speeches for other people, but it was weird writing one for myself. But then it occurred to me that I had a great opportunity to intentionally demonstrate black excellence in honor of Black History month and for my own sanity.

Over the last several months I have been struggling with self-doubt. I find myself questioning my abilities and whether or not I belong in the position I currently hold. I’ve asked myself why I’ve been experiencing these thoughts and feelings. Life is full of new experiences and challenges and I’ve had my share of both; but, I’ve had difficulty believing I belong in conjunction with trusting in my capabilities to do my job. I’ve wondered if my feelings derived from the lack of people who look like me in my office, which has ignited doubt. And here is where black excellence comes to play.

At the beginning of this post, I shared attributes that I believe make-up black excellence: strength is the capacity of an object to withstand great force or pressure; enlightenment is the act of giving spiritual insight; resilience is the ability to withstand or recover from difficult conditions; power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way; encouragement is the act of giving support, confidence, or hope to someone.

I have operated in excellence before. I’ve exercised strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement in the most difficult times in my life. And there is no reason why I can’t use them to overcome fear.

When I stepped onto the stage during the event, I presented the best version of me—which lets me know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am an example of black excellence and it is my duty to walk in it every day to encourage and inspire those following in my footsteps—but most of all—I owe it to myself.