The Ordinary Just Won't Do; Is this Irony?

Back in 1989 I heard, "Ordinary Just Won't Do" by Commissioned coming from my brother's room every Sunday morning while I dressed for church. It would be fair to say the song reminds me of him, so when the song popped in my head earlier this week I picked up the phone to call him. I considered the stroll down memory lane as an indicator to check on my big brother and just say hello. I had no idea there was more for me to gain from it.

At the beginning of this month I made the decision to "live." I set my mind on doing more and enjoying this thing called life. One of the things on my "to do list" is going out more. So, I made plans to have dinner with an old acquaintance I hadn't seen in a while. We agreed to meet at one of my favorite cozy spots in Tysons Corner, Wildfire Grill, for dinner.

My day did not go as I had hoped. I thought I was going to have an easy day with a light workload - boy was I wrong. I didn't eat lunch until 3:30 pm and I did not see the likelihood of me leaving for the day at 5:00 pm. I gave him a call to let him know I would be late. I almost put work first again, but I was reminded of my decision to balance my life and enjoy it - so, I decided to leave work to have dinner then return to work to finish the tasks that were assigned to me.

The evening started off bumpy and I began to get irritated - but, I told myself to let it go and make the best it. However, my optimism was wasted because things only got worse. 

Where do I begin? He was extremely loud and combative with the server. It didn't take long for me to realize the dude was intoxicated. People were staring and I was becoming embarrassed - everything within me was telling me, "leave." I'll be honest, I wasn't completely sure how to address the situation and make my exit. In retrospect, I think I should have pretended I forgot to do something to give myself a way out - but, I chose to be honest and directly asked him if he had been drinking. He told me he had - and he explained that his intoxication was my fault. His explanation involved more loud talking and expletives. I gathered my things, turned to him and said, "I apologize for being late..take care" and I swiftly walked out. When I got into my vehicle I turned on my playlist and chuckled when I heard the aforementioned Commissioned song - it is true, the ordinary just won't do. Even though I was hoping to have an enjoyable dinner, I gained much more. 

One of the synonyms of the word ordinary is common, which means, "showing lack of taste and refinement; vulgar." I am not an ordinary woman, so why would I associate with someone who is? I know my worth. Not only do I deserve respect, but I require it as well. 

I was looking forward to a nicely prepared filet mignon and asparagus, but I was content with my microwave popcorn and Cherry Coke with a sober companion - me. Initially I considered this incident as an epic fail, but it is actually a huge success. I can remember a time when I accepted the shortcomings of someone else as my cross to bear, and the negative behavior of another as a reflection of me. But, today I stand grateful for growth and realization that the ordinary just won't do. 

I've Decided to Stop Letting Life Pass Me By

Throughout this week I have not been feeling the greatest. I am not sure if I caught some kind of bug or if my body is just exhausted. Whatever the reason, I had absolutely no desire to do anything that required putting on a bra today.

As I was lounging earlier, I skimmed through the latest issue of Essence magazine - the one with Kofi Siriboe on the cover looking quite delicious, and I stumbled upon the "Sex & Love" section. In this edition of the magazine there is an annual review that asks questions related to one's romantic life and sex drive. Granted, there are other areas the article addresses, but these two areas stood out to me.  To be perfectly honest there were two questions that almost depressed the hell out of me and made me ask, "What have I been doing for the last 336 days?!?"

The questions that made me pause and ponder were; "How many dates I went on" and "How many times I had sex." I realized my answer is zero. How pathetic. I haven't been on any dates in 2017. Why? Furthermore, I can only name a few occasions where I went out with friends. All I do is go to work! This needs to change. As far as sex is concerned, I have my beliefs when it comes to this subject, but I will be real. There is a difference between a conscience decision to be celibate and celibacy by default.

One of my favorite songs is "Lifetime" by Maxwell simply because I can relate to the lyrics. I was reborn after being broken and I realize I must be open in order to get something better than what I had before. But, most importantly, I have a choice to either let life pass me by or make the best out of each day I am blessed to see. I believe I should give my best efforts to my career, but I  should not make it my life. 

I am not the type to make resolutions or claim to "turn over a new leaf." But, I have decided to balance my life. I've whined over too many regrets. It is time for me to redeem the time and start doing and fully enjoying this thing called life. Simply because it is a precious gift.

The Ghost of Christmas Past: A Message to My Wasband - It's Time for Me to Exhale

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

— Lily Tomlin

I wasn’t sure about sharing this piece or keeping it to myself. Publishing it may make me vulnerable or even viewed differently. But, if I claim to be unapologetically myself – why should the thoughts of others matter? Furthermore, a close friend of mine reminded me that my story can be beneficial to someone who is going through a difficult time. I believe my words can inspire and encourage someone else.

“She told me I was her greatest teacher…and you will tell me that too.” Those words came from my ex during one of our numerous “discussions” regarding our relationship. He was trying to convince one or both of us that he was a positive influence in my life. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I say I’m not sure because I partially agree with the statement.

Over the past few months I have been pondering over my frustrations with dating. It seems as if there is a lack of follow through with every guy I meet and I don’t understand it. There isn’t an issue with men finding me attractive and interesting, but for some reason the courting doesn’t seem to flow and I think I may know why.

I can recall conversing with other females who complained about dating – and how the same issues where constantly arising in every relationship. My response was, “what is the common denominator?” Well, Towanda – what is the common denominator in your situation? – You.

Earlier this evening I was battling with my lack of inspiration to write. Nothing was coming to mind that drove me to type until I started thinking about my non-existing dating life.  I asked myself a question, “Are my frustrations with dating related to the men I’m meeting or am I the problem?” As I began to think about the answer to this question I realized I haven’t truly come to terms with how I feel about my ex-husband. I haven’t fully expressed or let go of the anger and resentment I have toward him and I think this is hindering my progress for a new relationship. I can’t help but wonder if my possible suitors see the bitterness within me. Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are several aspects of dating; timing, level of interest, and just plain life. However, I recognize the need to acknowledge my issues, resolve them, and prepare myself for my next relationship.

The fact of the matter is, I would absolutely love to curse my ex-husband from here to next Tuesday. I would enjoy screaming obscenities and flipping him the bird just like he did to me when we were married. So – here I go.

           I resent you for all of the negative things you said and did to me and how the stress of living with your anger and volatile behavior, played a part in the early delivery and deaths of my children. But, most of all, I resent you for telling me you love me and stating what a great person I am after treating me like I was worthless for two years. However, I have decided – in this moment, to forgive you. Not because you sincerely apologized or acknowledged your wrong doing, but because I deserve inner peace and happiness.

          Were you my greatest teacher? No, but you taught me a lot. You taught me what not to do in my future relationship and you showed me that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. You enabled me to see my worth in the midst of your mistreatment of me. I have exhaled the pain. I have exhaled you. Peace be unto you and me.

Has Social Media Killed Courtship?

Am I the only woman who still wants to be courted? I don't believe I am. In general, we like for a guy to show interest in us. I find the concept of receiving special attention in the attempt to win me over romantic and alluring. Getting a phone call at the beginning of the week to make plans for the end of the week makes me happy. But, do you know what makes me even happier?...Follow-through.

Years ago it was common to meet a man at the mall or at the gas station and he would ask for your number. Conversations would occur over the phone about likes, dislikes, and aspirations. And then after the initial conversing, he would ask you out on a date. The date would typically consist of dinner and a movie. If there was a "love connection", more dates would take place and possibly a relationship would be birthed.

Is courting a dying art? Do dates still happen or have they been replaced with Netflix and chill? What about verbal conversations over the phone? I realize change comes with progression, but do the rules of dating have to change too? I mean does everything have to go down in a DM? I've wondered if social media is to blame. But, is the decline of "traditional courtship" truly one-sided? Nothing in life is, so why would this topic be any different?

“What you tolerate will happen because you allow it.”

An acquaintance of mine uses the above quote religiously and I am inclined to agree with it. In the pursuit of relationships, regardless of the type, - and really all things in life, it is incumbent on us to define what we will not tolerate.

Our world will continue to evolve as long as it keeps turning, but as individuals we have the power to decide what will not change in our lives. So, if you're like me and still like the concepts of courtship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making it a requirement. Set your standards and stand by them.

Who Could Love and Marry the Fat Girl?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

— I Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

When I was a child I thought marriage was an absolute part of life. In my mind, once you became an adult you got married and had children. Over time I learned life is not that cut and dry.

Society has led some to believe fat people are unattractive and underserving of admiration. There is a misconception that those of us who are plus-size are desperate and willing to accept anything. And unfortunately, some fuller-figured individuals believe they have to settle for whoever or whatever comes along.

In spite of what may be the opinion of society, there are plenty of suitors open to loving and marrying the fat girl. There is no need to alter who we are in hopes to gain the affections of another. It is true that there are men who find those of us with body fat repulsive, but there are several more who love it or don't care. You can find happiness by being yourself, knowing your worth, and not compromising your values. When we are true to ourselves we will receive what we need.

In my younger days I didn't see myself as beautiful or even attractive because of my weight and skin tone. I didn't believe I measured up to what could be considered desirable. Even though there were individuals who were attracted to me, I was unable to embrace it because I hadn't accepted me. When I learned to accept myself and the fact that I am desirable, relationships developed and I eventually married. My experiences taught me I am beautiful. But, the most valuable lesson I learned is the importance of being unafraid to be myself and allowing people to get to know me.

Marriage taught me that communication, honesty, and trust are vital parts of a successful relationship. Which, have absolutely nothing to do with appearance and physique. Being a good communicator, trustworthy, and honest are attributes of the inner person not the outer - and we are all capable of demonstrating them.

What's the take-away? Be yourself. If you are operating as your true self there is no issue with being dishonest. In any situation it is imperative to be who we are. If you are not accepted by someone when you are being yourself, they are not for you. But, most importantly, denying our true selves robs us of a more fulfilling relationship with ourselves. Furthermore, when we have achieved a healthy connection with ourselves we are better equipped to partake in a fruitful relationship with someone else. Don't get me wrong, companionship is a wonderful thing, but let's ensure we are at peace and loving self first.