Are You Listening?

Having been on this earth for a few decades, I've learned a few things about males. Unfortunately, I came to obtain most of this knowledge the hard way - trial and error. One of the things I've learned is the phrase, "actions speak louder than words" isn't necessarily true.

In the dating world, we often rely on the actions of men to determine how they feel about us. Some of us don't recognize the fact that most men will tell us exactly what they want - but, are we listening?

I can recall several conversations I had over lunch or dinner at Bennigan's and Ruby Tuesday analyzing the behavior of the guy I was dating with my girlfriend, or my "partner in crime" as my mother calls her. We spent - or should I say wasted, countless hours and a lot of energy trying to decipher how guys felt about us. "Does he like me?" "If he didn't like me he wouldn't have done blah blah blah - right?"

In most cases, when we meet men they will tell us what they want.  Generally speaking, a man will blatantly say he is looking for a relationship, or he'll say he doesn't want one. Some of us either hear what we want to hear or convince ourselves that we can change their minds. I say this because I am guilty of both scenarios.

It is understandable that spending weekends together, meeting his friends and family, daily phone calls, and keeping your shampoo and razors in his shower seem like signs of a relationship. But, unless he said it - don't bank on it. Furthermore, I would even venture to say that if a person's words and actions don't match, you may want to rethink your involvement.

Even though I think it is very important to listen to the words that are spoken to us, I also think it is equally important to watch the behavior of the person who is speaking. As human beings, we do want we want to do. We find the means, the time, and the energy for the things we want to do. It could be out of desire or obligation, but by any means necessary, we make it happen. If you are being told, "I want to be with you", but they don't call, they don't make plans and follow-through in seeing you - you are getting "lip service."

In a nutshell, words and actions should match. It is imperative that we listen as well as watch the behavior of the people in our lives, and if we don't like what we see and hear - we should do what is best for us and move on.

Since I don't think actions speak louder than words, I've created my own phrase; "Look and listen, one's actions and words will speak loud and clear." Feel free to pass it on, but give me the credit.

Good and Bad Hair

Why is there so much division concerning hair in the Black community? As I've mentioned before, I participate on social media sites, and I've seen quite a few posts and statements that almost condemn those of us who choose to wear extensions or relaxers. I've read posts that state women who wear weaves or relaxed hair hate themselves, and we want to conform to what White America deems as beautiful. Why does it have to be so deep? Why does getting a relaxer have to mean self-hate? Can't I just like weaves? Can it be ok that I prefer wearing my hair straight? And please tell me how my hair defines how Black I am? I admit that I was apprehensive about sharing my thoughts concerning hair and the Black community - by no means do I want to offend or piss anybody off, but the subject puzzles me.

A few years ago I attempted to wear my hair naturally. I was pregnant at the time, and I was concerned about the chemicals having an effect on my unborn child. Wearing my hair naturally was also a request from my then-husband - and I disliked it immensely. I'm not sure if it was my lack of patience or talent-less efforts of styling my hair, but I looked bad. Don't get me wrong, I looked nice when I walked out of the salon, but every day after that was an uphill battle.

I have seen plenty of women who wear their hair naturally, and it looks beautiful, and I've seen women wearing relaxed hair and extensions that look equally beautiful. I see hair as an expression of style and individuality. Just like the flexibility of choosing a boot over a sneaker, we have the same opportunity when it comes to how we wear our hair. So, instead of looking at the state of a woman's hair as self-hatred - how about viewing it as self-expression of what each woman identifies as being what is best for her.

Most of us like to be pleased with the reflection we see in the mirror, and I encourage every woman natural or not - to do what makes her feel at her best and like the reflection in that mirror. And instead of us, as Black women, labeling who is better because of whatever - let's love and embrace our differences and the ways we choose to express them. You have to admit, variety is the spice of life. Furthermore, we experience enough negativity from people outside of our race. Do we really need to perpetuate it within our own?


 

Bitterness of Soul

Over nine months ago a friend of mine told me that she was pregnant. This was exciting news because, like me, she suffered the loss of a child. I was very happy and excited for my friend and her husband, but I also felt a presence of emptiness and grief related to my womb.

Shortly after learning about my friend's news - I told my mother about it during our quality time together. After I had finished talking, I sat at the table, and I began to weep. The news from my friend caused my heart's desire to surface. I want to feel a life growing in my womb again. I want to carry a child to full term and deliver a healthy baby into the world to live a happy and prosperous life abundant in years. Seeing my sorrow, my mother comforted me with a scripture, 1 Samuel 1 - the story of Hannah.

The first chapter of 1 Samuel talks about Elkanah, who had two wives; one was named Hannah and the other was named Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none. The Lord had closed Hannah's womb and her rival, Peninnah, provoked her to make her miserable because of it. The constant reminder of her closed womb saddened Hannah, and it moved her to pray. Hannah poured her heart out to God and told Him her heart's desire. 

I identify with Hannah because I know how it feels to want a child. It is true that I was able to conceive children. However, I did not carry them to term. And the fact that my children are not on earth with me growing and doing what children do causes me to grieve from time to time.  So, my mind goes back to Hannah and her earnest prayer to the Lord concerning her longing, and I find comfort in knowing I can tell the Lord all about it.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.”

— 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

By no means am I trying to send the message that we will always get our heart's desire - in most cases we get what we need. And all we need is the grace and strength of God to endure whatever we face because we trust Him. I think as believers we expect to be delivered from adversity, but sometimes we have to go through hard times. But, we are reminded in the third chapter of Daniel that Lord will be with us as we go through the hard times - because His grace is sufficient.

Dating Woes: Is Caution the Same as Fear?

A few weeks ago I had a conversation concerning my dating status - or my non-existent dating status I should say. It has been a while since I've been on a date.  I haven't given up on love and the hope of a healthy relationship - nor have I given up on the male species. But, I have to admit that I am somewhat apprehensive about fully entering back into the world of dating.

There are several things one should be concerned about when it comes to dating; men on the down low or in denial about their sexual orientation - not to mention cheaters, liars, and plain crazies. It is unfortunate that I am not really Wonder Woman - like I thought I was as kid with my lasso of truth - however, I realize I do have some real tools to assist me in the dating world.

I have considered my non-existent dating status as a cautious move - a way to ensure I make the best choices when it comes to who I date. It is true that I do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past, but I do wonder if this desire is really fear in disguise. When I was in my twenties, I made the mistake of not being true to myself and expressing what I wanted. I told myself I was content with being single. In hindsight, my decision to withhold my true desires was out of fear. I was afraid of the possibility of my "partner" not wanting the same thing and being left alone - so I settled for what they gave me.

Now in my late thirties, I understand the importance of honesty - not only with the individual I am dating but also with myself. Since I realize a key element to dating, and relationships in general - what hinders me? During the aforementioned conversation, I was asked why I wasn't dating. As I pondered over the question, I came up with a few factors; number one - I have been expecting men to pursue me a certain way, number two - I may be giving off an "I'm taken" vibe, and number three - I'm not looking.

Examining these factors one by one, I am not the same person I was when I was twenty - I'm almost 40, and the same type of man that approached me when I was 25 is not going to approach me now. So, I need to alter my perception of what to expect when I am approached. As far as the "I'm taken" vibe, maybe I need to examine how I behave while I'm in public. Now that I think about it, I don't really take notice of men noticing me - maybe I should be a little more aware of my possible suitors. Or am I unconsciously keeping them at bay out of fear? Now to my third factor, I'm not looking. Truth be told, I don't think I should be looking - or is this just another camouflaged fear?

After reviewing my factors, I admit that I am afraid of the possibility of meeting someone who has masked insecurities and pretends to be someone they are not. I don't want to invest my time and energy into someone only to learn I have been hoodwinked. But, I have reminded myself of a quote I stumbled upon;

“I’m stronger because I had to be, I’m smarter because of my mistakes, happier because of the sadness I’ve known, and now wiser because I learned.”

— Curiano Life Quotes

The above quote is my testimony. I discovered strength I didn't know I possessed, I have endured pain that makes me appreciate joy, and I have learned that I can handle whatever comes my way. So, now I must be woman enough to acknowledge my fears and use my obtained wisdom to conquer them. As I've stated before, I have made my share of mistakes in the past, but I learned from them. I know what to look for and the importance of not overlooking anything I find alarming. Furthermore;

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

— 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV

With all things considered, I will put on my big girl (sexy) panties and reenter the world of dating. I realize I have nothing to fear or be "cautious" about - I am much wiser now. I definitely know what I don't want, and that is a huge step in the right direction.

"Where is Her Husband?"

The above question came from the mouth of a child in regards to me about two weeks ago. Granted, I wasn't supposed to hear it - nevertheless, I did. Several thoughts passed through my mind as I processed the child's question; how did he know I am husband-less? Do I look divorced? Does my countenance scream " SINGLE WOMAN HERE?" I will admit that I felt a little awkward - for a moment, but then I realized the absence of my ex is a good thing.

“Choose your husband carefully - you only have yourself to blame if it ends badly ”

— Professor Annalise Keating, How To Get Away With Murder

In spite of the fact that I am quite fond of the above quote, I realize women should not be looking for a husband.

“Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

— Proverbs 18:22 KJV

Even though our husbands are to find us - there are some things we as women should be doing so we may be found. And we must also be sure that we are saying yes to the right man, and for the right reasons. We should not marry out of fear of being alone or because we want to be able to say, "I's married now!" There is more to marriage than being Mrs. So-n-So. I bought into the "Happily Ever After" fairy tale. I also admit that I was concerned about the ticking of my biological clock and the fears of becoming an old maid. I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything else back then - and I acknowledge I was blinded by those desires.

When I got married a few years ago, I thought it was going to last forever, but it only lasted for a few risings of the sun and a few settings of the same. Now, I know why it didn't last. In retrospect, I realize the mistakes I made and the signals that I ignored. I regret not being more in tuned to the nonverbal messages of my ex and my concerns regarding his behavior. I've learned a valuable lesson - there are vital ingredients to having a successful relationship, and trust and honesty are two of them.

If your significant other questions your every move and doubts your loyalty to them, plausible or not, they don't trust you. And if you wonder if your partner is working on a fictitious novel when he explains his whereabouts - you don't trust him. If you determine there are trust issues within your relationship, talk about it and be honest - don't make excuses. You may be able to fix it by finding the source and build trust between the two of you, or you will identify some insecurities of your partner and dodge a bullet, or you will see your own insecurities, and then learn how to improve your self-esteem.

I think we should model children when it comes to our communication. Meaning, young children tell us exactly what they are thinking - no filter. As we get older, we learn to lie, or how to embellish our words to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. I don't believe we should have filters with our SO; we should be transparent. Being transparent will enable us to know for sure that we are truly loved for who we are because we are completely exposed. And this behavior will leave no question on where we stand in regards to our relationship.

So, if you are still wondering why I said it is a good thing that my ex is my ex - in a nutshell, we lacked two vital ingredients for a successful relationship. Trust and complete honesty were not present in that relationship and those missing ingredients put a huge strain on the marriage.  It is very frustrating being involved with someone who does not trust you. And the answer to "where is her husband?" is - he hasn't found me yet. But, I will make the best out of every step on my path, husband or not.