The Ghost of Christmas Past: A Message to My Wasband - It's Time for Me to Exhale

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

— Lily Tomlin

I wasn’t sure about sharing this piece or keeping it to myself. Publishing it may make me vulnerable or even viewed differently. But, if I claim to be unapologetically myself – why should the thoughts of others matter? Furthermore, a close friend of mine reminded me that my story can be beneficial to someone who is going through a difficult time. I believe my words can inspire and encourage someone else.

“She told me I was her greatest teacher…and you will tell me that too.” Those words came from my ex during one of our numerous “discussions” regarding our relationship. He was trying to convince one or both of us that he was a positive influence in my life. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I say I’m not sure because I partially agree with the statement.

Over the past few months I have been pondering over my frustrations with dating. It seems as if there is a lack of follow through with every guy I meet and I don’t understand it. There isn’t an issue with men finding me attractive and interesting, but for some reason the courting doesn’t seem to flow and I think I may know why.

I can recall conversing with other females who complained about dating – and how the same issues where constantly arising in every relationship. My response was, “what is the common denominator?” Well, Towanda – what is the common denominator in your situation? – You.

Earlier this evening I was battling with my lack of inspiration to write. Nothing was coming to mind that drove me to type until I started thinking about my non-existing dating life.  I asked myself a question, “Are my frustrations with dating related to the men I’m meeting or am I the problem?” As I began to think about the answer to this question I realized I haven’t truly come to terms with how I feel about my ex-husband. I haven’t fully expressed or let go of the anger and resentment I have toward him and I think this is hindering my progress for a new relationship. I can’t help but wonder if my possible suitors see the bitterness within me. Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are several aspects of dating; timing, level of interest, and just plain life. However, I recognize the need to acknowledge my issues, resolve them, and prepare myself for my next relationship.

The fact of the matter is, I would absolutely love to curse my ex-husband from here to next Tuesday. I would enjoy screaming obscenities and flipping him the bird just like he did to me when we were married. So – here I go.

           I resent you for all of the negative things you said and did to me and how the stress of living with your anger and volatile behavior, played a part in the early delivery and deaths of my children. But, most of all, I resent you for telling me you love me and stating what a great person I am after treating me like I was worthless for two years. However, I have decided – in this moment, to forgive you. Not because you sincerely apologized or acknowledged your wrong doing, but because I deserve inner peace and happiness.

          Were you my greatest teacher? No, but you taught me a lot. You taught me what not to do in my future relationship and you showed me that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. You enabled me to see my worth in the midst of your mistreatment of me. I have exhaled the pain. I have exhaled you. Peace be unto you and me.

Has Social Media Killed Courtship?

Am I the only woman who still wants to be courted? I don't believe I am. In general, we like for a guy to show interest in us. I find the concept of receiving special attention in the attempt to win me over romantic and alluring. Getting a phone call at the beginning of the week to make plans for the end of the week makes me happy. But, do you know what makes me even happier?...Follow-through.

Years ago it was common to meet a man at the mall or at the gas station and he would ask for your number. Conversations would occur over the phone about likes, dislikes, and aspirations. And then after the initial conversing, he would ask you out on a date. The date would typically consist of dinner and a movie. If there was a "love connection", more dates would take place and possibly a relationship would be birthed.

Is courting a dying art? Do dates still happen or have they been replaced with Netflix and chill? What about verbal conversations over the phone? I realize change comes with progression, but do the rules of dating have to change too? I mean does everything have to go down in a DM? I've wondered if social media is to blame. But, is the decline of "traditional courtship" truly one-sided? Nothing in life is, so why would this topic be any different?

“What you tolerate will happen because you allow it.”

An acquaintance of mine uses the above quote religiously and I am inclined to agree with it. In the pursuit of relationships, regardless of the type, - and really all things in life, it is incumbent on us to define what we will not tolerate.

Our world will continue to evolve as long as it keeps turning, but as individuals we have the power to decide what will not change in our lives. So, if you're like me and still like the concepts of courtship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making it a requirement. Set your standards and stand by them.

Who Could Love and Marry the Fat Girl?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

— I Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

When I was a child I thought marriage was an absolute part of life. In my mind, once you became an adult you got married and had children. Over time I learned life is not that cut and dry.

Society has led some to believe fat people are unattractive and underserving of admiration. There is a misconception that those of us who are plus-size are desperate and willing to accept anything. And unfortunately, some fuller-figured individuals believe they have to settle for whoever or whatever comes along.

In spite of what may be the opinion of society, there are plenty of suitors open to loving and marrying the fat girl. There is no need to alter who we are in hopes to gain the affections of another. It is true that there are men who find those of us with body fat repulsive, but there are several more who love it or don't care. You can find happiness by being yourself, knowing your worth, and not compromising your values. When we are true to ourselves we will receive what we need.

In my younger days I didn't see myself as beautiful or even attractive because of my weight and skin tone. I didn't believe I measured up to what could be considered desirable. Even though there were individuals who were attracted to me, I was unable to embrace it because I hadn't accepted me. When I learned to accept myself and the fact that I am desirable, relationships developed and I eventually married. My experiences taught me I am beautiful. But, the most valuable lesson I learned is the importance of being unafraid to be myself and allowing people to get to know me.

Marriage taught me that communication, honesty, and trust are vital parts of a successful relationship. Which, have absolutely nothing to do with appearance and physique. Being a good communicator, trustworthy, and honest are attributes of the inner person not the outer - and we are all capable of demonstrating them.

What's the take-away? Be yourself. If you are operating as your true self there is no issue with being dishonest. In any situation it is imperative to be who we are. If you are not accepted by someone when you are being yourself, they are not for you. But, most importantly, denying our true selves robs us of a more fulfilling relationship with ourselves. Furthermore, when we have achieved a healthy connection with ourselves we are better equipped to partake in a fruitful relationship with someone else. Don't get me wrong, companionship is a wonderful thing, but let's ensure we are at peace and loving self first.

Literally

Literal means to take words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor; or representing the exact words of the original text.

When I woke up yesterday morning I had every intention of going to work. I planned, in my mind, to stop by Wal-mart to pick up a few Christmas gifts for my co-workers before heading south for work. I made it to the store and I found some items for my colleagues, but I did not make it to work.

As I was driving on the highway, I noticed a vehicle to my right that was moving entirely too fast. When I saw the car, I said to myself, "They are going to hit the van in front of them...he is driving too fast." It was apparent that the driver of that vehicle realized the possibility of a collision and braking was not going to resolve the problem. So, the driver swerved to the right onto the shoulder. Then all of the sudden I saw the van swerving toward me - I reacted by moving my vehicle to the left. Seconds later another vehicle sped past me on the left shoulder to avoid hitting me. After I pulled over and regained my composure, I noticed another driver pulled up behind me. I got out to ask if he was ok. The driver told me he was fine - he was calling the police. After the phone call, he looked at me and he said, "Our guardian angel was with us."

Every day before leaving my home I pray. I pray for my family, friends, co-workers, and enemies. But, in addition to this - I pray for traveling grace and mercy. In my prayer, I ask that the Lord encamps His angels of safety around me. I ask that no problems arise with my vehicle and that I don't hit anyone or anything and no one and nothing hits me. Yesterday, I saw Him do everything I literally asked Him to do. Neither vehicle hit me - nor did I hit anyone.

I am sharing my testimony to encourage someone to make your request known - literally.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

— 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Gratitude, Gluttony and Stewardship; What do These Words Have in Common?

Two weeks ago I participated in a special project at work that involved sitting in a small, hot, and eventually funky conference room for nine hours with 15 people for three days. During one of the breaks a conversation started about foods we liked as children, one of the attendees that I had considered to be an ass – based on his demeanor and unnecessary outbursts, made a comment about his 2-year-old son, he said, “I buy the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for my son, it is the only thing I can get him to eat…he is such a jerk.” My initial thought after hearing this was –“hmm…the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” Don’t worry, I didn’t verbalize it, I know when to keep my mouth shut – most of the time anyway. Then I thought about his statement a little more in relation to myself. His comment made me think about my sons who passed away and I how much I would rather struggle with feeding them than the struggle I face not having them here with me. My point to all of this is gratitude.

How often do we discount the things we have or the people in our lives? Are we so consumed by obtaining what we don’t have that we don’t take the time to appreciate what we do have? Which brings me to the next word - gluttony. I'm pretty sure this word is frowned upon and considered a horrible noun. But, how many of us are guilty of it? I have to raise my hand high - I am guilty.

The word gluttony is typically used to describe individuals who are obese or assumed to be overeaters. However, gluttony is not just excessive eating or drinking. It is also defined as greedy or excessive indulgence, which can be related to anything.

I cannot begin to tell you how many pairs of shoes I own or how many articles of clothing I possess. Truth be told, I developed the habit of purchasing items because I liked them and not because I needed them - gluttonous. I don't need to buy everything I like. Which, brings me to the third word - stewardship. Stewardship is defined as the activity or job of protecting and being responsible of something. I must admit that I have not been a very good steward of what I have been blessed to possess.

The concept of stewardship has been on my mind for quite some time, and I have come to realize how I take so many things for granted. I had been pondering over my desires for new things. Don't get me wrong, I realize there is nothing wrong with wanting more than what we may possess at a given time. However, I had to ask myself; What are you doing with what you already have? Are you showing gratitude at the level you are at in your current position? Are you applying yourself and doing your best in your job? Or are you complaining and looking elsewhere? Are you being a good steward with what you have already been given as it relates to your possessions? Or are you being ungrateful and just obtaining more? Why should I expect more when I'm being an ungrateful, gluttonous, and horrible steward? 

I believe being a good steward means being grateful for what I have and utilizing it to the fullest to help myself and others. I also think it involves using resources such as; time, money, energy, and talents wisely. Additionally, good stewardship means appreciating those resources by living in the moment and cherishing what I have been blessed to have.

I am asking the Lord to forgive me for my ungrateful gluttonous ways and I am also asking for help in being a better steward.

I found it quite interesting how the behavior of another person, which I frowned upon, enabled me to see my own issues. Matthew 7:5 hit me like a ton of bricks.