Self Sabotage: My Masquerade Ball

A few years ago I thought about celebrating my 40th birthday with a masquerade ball themed party. It seemed like a fun way to bring in a milestone birthday; however, I didn’t follow through with the idea. But I think I’ve been living in a masquerade for several months anyway.

Because of COVID-19, I am working on a modified schedule—and I am happy about it. The older I get the more I acknowledge I am an introvert and I am totally elated over not being around a lot of people. But I’ve also noticed how my mindset shifts when I realize my self-isolation time is ending and my return to work is drawing nigh. Bottom line—I don’t want to go. But why? The answer is—deep inside behind the mask—I don’t believe I can do my job.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared my revelations regarding my struggles with fear and doubt. Although everything I said is true and vitally important to successfully gaining victory in this situation—there is still a missing piece. I’ve come to realize learning something isn’t the final step of the process—applying it is.

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.”

James 1:22-25 KJV

I haven’t faced the fact that I don’t fully believe in myself. If I did, I wouldn’t be so easily persuaded to give in to fear and doubt. That was painful, yet therapeutic to write. I’ve been sabotaging myself. I’m obstructing my progress while masking it with a portion of the truth. When I’ve questioned my abilities, I reminded myself that I can do all things through Christ and I expected my mindset to change. But once again, I failed to apply the facts to the situation.

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

Hebrews 11:6 KJV

I’ve been deceiving myself—wearing a mask. I say I believe God’s Word to be true, but I haven’t exercised faith.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:13 KJV

The above scripture lets us know that we can do everything we are assigned to do through Christ. So if I doubt my abilities, I am in fact doubting God.

“God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?”

Numbers 23:19 KJV

I can do everything God has predestined me to do simply because He said I can and He can not lie. Now that I’ve identified another error of my ways and the path to correct it, I must apply it and put to action. Here I go…

Make Melody in Your Heart; The Choice is Yours

“I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.

My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD.”

— Psalm 104:33-34

At some point yesterday, I had a flashback of the group Black Sheep performing “The Choice is Yours” on In Living Color back in 1990-something. Initially, I thought this was random—one of these days I hope to fully come to the realization that everything happens for a reason—but I digress. This flashback reminded me of how much I am influenced by music and how powerful it is. A portion of the reprise of the song came back to my remembrance and caught my attention.

“You can get with this, or you can get with that…”

A few weeks ago I shared how I have been struggling with fear and doubt at work. Although I know what to do to combat these thoughts and feelings, it can be hard to implement them at times. And recently, the struggle came up again. I found myself trying to fight through thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and anxiety—and unfortunately—I gave in to them. When I chose to believe I am not equipped to do my job, I became agitated and defensive. I interpreted everything that was said or done as negative—I projected my feelings of doubt onto the people around me. But fortunately I realized what I was doing. The choice was mine—I made the conscious decision to doubt.

When I recognized the error of my ways, I remembered a familiar scripture.

“Finally, brethern, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:8 KJV

In every situation I can choose to respond negatively or positively—the choice is mine. In the midst of this revelation, more statements were made that could have been taken negatively. But I chose the positive route and made melody in my heart. The comment may be valid or totally untrue, but…

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 KJV

So now when I witness something that could be interpreted as negative I sing “and I know all things work together for my good.”

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7 KJV

You can get with this…positive…or you can get with that…negative. The choice is yours.

All Things Work Together for Your Good; He’s Intentional

In accordance with the policy changes regarding COVID-19, I haven’t been working this week. In all honesty, I was happy about being off from work. I appreciated not commuting and I have thoroughly enjoyed being home. When I initially learned I would be home this week, I thought about all of the things I could do with my “free” time—and writing was one of those things. But to my astonishment, that hasn’t been happening. I pulled my laptop out several times and came up with nothing. So, I did what I usually do when I am clueless—I asked my mother.

Mrs. Bryant suggested writing about my feelings related to COVID-19, which made me think of a conversation I had with my father earlier this week. For those of you who don’t know my dad, he is a man of few words, so when he speaks it renders pause.

My dad asked, “When will we realize all things work together for our good?” Although I viewed his question as rhetorical—I answered him anyway. Personally, I want everything to be easy—I don’t want to suffer. Furthermore, as human beings we want to understand everything. In our eyes, things need to be logical. But there are things in this life that are beyond our understanding, which is the underlying purpose of faith.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

— Hebrews 11:1 KJV

The word intentional means done on purpose or deliberately. I want to encourage you by emphasizing the fact that all things work together for good, regardless of how it may look or feel. You may not understand what is going on around you and It may even hurt in the process—but remember it is intentionally for your good.

So, let’s continue to fight the good fight, finish the course, and keep the faith. Trust God’s plan— it is for our good.

After a While

This past Friday was not one of my better days; however, in the grand scheme of things, I have experienced much worst. I spent a fair amount of time between Friday night and Saturday deliberately dismissing thoughts related to what I experienced at work on Friday. There were some moments where I was successful with focusing on pleasant things, but anguish, fear, and doubt found its way back to the forefront of my mind. I contemplated not sharing this experience, then it occurred to me that this is another opportunity for me to encourage and inspire someone.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony...”

— Revelations 12:11

For the majority of the last 365 days I have been struggling with fear and doubt. I have questioned my abilities and whether or not I should walk away and do something completely different as an occupation. On numerous occasions I have been reminded that I can do all things through Christ, which undoubtedly encouraged me to keep going. But fear and doubt would creep up again and I would find myself questioning and worrying. So, how do I break this annoying and detrimental cycle?

As I settled down to write, I decided to listen to my usual YouTube playlist, which has a throwback music melody by Pastor Marvin Winans. This particular video encourages me every time I watch it. I stumbled upon it for the first time back in 2013 when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. Approximately 10 days before ever seeing the video, I was in the hospital due to complications with my pregnancy with my second son. In addition to that, my marriage was falling apart.

While I was in the hospital, my doctor informed me that I had an infection and she believed both my son and I were going to die. Moments before that conversation occurred, my then-husband sent me a text message telling me he was moving out. The next morning I went into labor and delivered my son who died one hour after his birth—which is the second most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The first painful experience was the death of his older brother, which transpired two years earlier.

A week after I was released from the hospital, I moved out of the house I occupied with my then-husband and I lived in an extended-stay hotel in Virginia with my mother for 30 days. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was worried and afraid. I was hurting over the loss of another child and the demise of my marriage. But the song that I heard—that seemed to be random—encouraged me immensely. The words to the song are simple, but inspiring.

“After ‘while it will all be over…after ‘while the sun gon’ shine…after ‘while dark clouds will pass over…and we’ll shout Hallelujah after while…”

The song reminds me of a familiar scripture:

“But may the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.”

— 1 Peter 5:10 KJV

As I listened to the words to the song I drew strength and encouragement from it and I fully believed everything was going to be all right. I didn’t know when, but I had faith that it was coming—and it did. I distinctly remember the day I genuinely smiled again, December 25, 2013.

“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,”

— Psalm 30:11

So, how will this cycle of fear and doubt be broken? By trusting the same God who brought my smile back in 2013. The dark clouds passed away and the sun began to shine—and it is going to happen again.

Attribution: Image illustration by Raphael L. McNeal

What is Black Excellence?

My participation in my employer’s Black History Month event was eye-opening for multiple reasons. But before I get into that, let me explain what black excellence is. For some, it is a black person who portrays great qualities and abilities that make the black community proud—or at least that is what Urban Dictionary states. To me, it is an aspiration or mindset that demonstrates; strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement—which all are embodied in the history and culture of black people.

In preparation for the event, I was charged with writing my talking points. This shouldn’t be a strange task for me to complete considering I get paid to write speeches for other people, but it was weird writing one for myself. But then it occurred to me that I had a great opportunity to intentionally demonstrate black excellence in honor of Black History month and for my own sanity.

Over the last several months I have been struggling with self-doubt. I find myself questioning my abilities and whether or not I belong in the position I currently hold. I’ve asked myself why I’ve been experiencing these thoughts and feelings. Life is full of new experiences and challenges and I’ve had my share of both; but, I’ve had difficulty believing I belong in conjunction with trusting in my capabilities to do my job. I’ve wondered if my feelings derived from the lack of people who look like me in my office, which has ignited doubt. And here is where black excellence comes to play.

At the beginning of this post, I shared attributes that I believe make-up black excellence: strength is the capacity of an object to withstand great force or pressure; enlightenment is the act of giving spiritual insight; resilience is the ability to withstand or recover from difficult conditions; power is the ability to do something or act in a particular way; encouragement is the act of giving support, confidence, or hope to someone.

I have operated in excellence before. I’ve exercised strength, enlightenment, resilience, power, and encouragement in the most difficult times in my life. And there is no reason why I can’t use them to overcome fear.

When I stepped onto the stage during the event, I presented the best version of me—which lets me know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I am an example of black excellence and it is my duty to walk in it every day to encourage and inspire those following in my footsteps—but most of all—I owe it to myself.