I Want Butterflies and Someone to Love Me

In most cases when I am engaged in conversation, I can easily respond to whatever I am asked. Even if the subject is something I am unfamiliar with, I typically state the need to look into it and ensure that I will follow-up shortly. However, I was recently asked a question that left me dumbstruck and speechless. Now, this isn’t something that I would classify as strange because we all have or will encounter situations where we are caught off guard by a question or statement.

I was asked, “What do you want, Towanda?” And I had no response. In retrospect, I think I should have been able to easily state what Towanda wants. It is a simple question—right? Since I was unable to answer his question instantaneously, I made it my assignment to figure it out.

So, what does Towanda want? Do I want a monogamous relationship? Or do I want to date whomever whenever I want? What is my ultimate goal? Am I interested in a long-term relationship? Do I want to get married again? Do I just want to spend time with someone talking and sharing our inner-most desires and secrets or enjoy being silent together? Would I like to watch the sunrise with someone special as we cuddle or spoon—and occasionally serve as the big spoon?

Do I want to experience loving someone for life and it be reciprocated? Would I like to be loved in spite of my faults and flaws? Do I want to be accepted and loved beyond what can be seen on the surface and give the same in return?

Do I want a life/relationship that mimics those R&B singles that reside on my playlist? The ones that tell a story of finding, building, and enjoying love. Do I want my love story to begin with the lyrics to “Lifetime” then move to the words of “Someone to love you” followed by the lines to “Share my world?” Yes, that is what I want.

I want butterflies and uncontrollable smiles. I want real, honest, and consistent love. I want acceptance of who I am and who I am not. I want someone to love me, without question or an ounce of doubt in my mind or his. I want a love that understands every day won’t be perfect, but we recognize if we work together, we can face it and work through it.

So, what does Towanda want? She wants to love again, and finally be loved the way she deserves.

No Joy? Leap for It!

One of my friends had asked me the same question during practically every conversation we had, “Are you dating yet?”

I didn’t necessarily find his inquiries annoying because I know his interest or concern is coming from a good place, but it did cause me to regurgitate my reasons for not dating. And one of the main reasons was fear. I was afraid of not seeing someone is bad for me.

Here’s a little background on that—I believe I ignored a lot of tell-tale signs in a previous relationship that indicated we weren’t compatible. I was blinded by my desires, which kept me from seeing the pending trainwreck I was going to encounter.

This fear caused me to place a wall between me and future potential partners. This friend told me to let go of what happened in the past and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship. Although his advice was sound, I received the same nudge from two other sources; my mother and a popular sitcom.

People who know me well, are aware of my love for the Golden Girls. I watch the show faithfully on Hulu every day...yes, every day. I’ve extracted a lot of lessons from the show, but the episode “Rose the Prude,” taught me an invaluable one about taking a chance. In this episode, Rose reluctantly agrees to go on a double date with Blanche and two brothers. As the story unfolds, Rose had been apprehensive about dating because she was comparing every man she met to her late husband Charlie and it wasn’t until she met Ernie on this double date that she began to contemplate the idea of being with another man.

During Rose’s confession to her two best friends, Dorothy gives her some profound advice, “The bottom line is, if you take a chance in life sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey, if you don’t take a chance nothing happens.”

So, I decided to follow his—and Dorothy’s—advice, and I took a leap.  I’m glad I did. The change in my mindset has allowed me to experience feelings of excitement and happiness, which I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

You may not be in a situation like mine. You might be contemplating starting a new job, starting a business, or writing a book. Whatever you are pondering over pursuing that you believe will bring you joy—leap for it! The end result may be bad or it may be good, but you won’t know if you don’t leap.

The Sky is the Limit to What I Can Have; but, Does that Include a Child?

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. ”

— Mark 11:24 KJV

When I started blogging five years ago, I planned to share my sense of style and information related to where I like to shop. That is what I was encouraged to do. It wasn’t my original plan to create a second blog focused on my life and relationships, but when I sat down to write, I was driven to share my experiences, and quite frankly, my innermost hurts. But today I contemplated writing about my seemingly suppressed desire for a child. I questioned whether or not I would be exposing too much of myself. But I remembered something I read and shared a few months ago.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

— Fred Rogers

This past October, I met with one of my friends to record an episode about pregnancy and infant loss awareness for my podcast. During our discussion, my longing for a baby rose to the forefront of my mind and touched the very core of my heart. Prior to this conversation, I thought I had closed the door on the possibility of ever birthing another human. I also believed I had moved past wanting a baby. But the conversation I had on that Sunday morning in October let me see I had been deceiving myself.

I told my mother about it later that day, and in her usual fashion, she encouraged me to pray about it. She reminded me that God can do anything.

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,”

— Ephesians 3:20 KJV

I haven’t shied away from expressing the feelings I experienced—and still bear—because of the loss of my babies. To date, losing my children is the most painful experience of my life. So, I think it is understandable that I am hesitant about entertaining the idea of becoming pregnant again—there’s so much to consider. I thought about my age and the fact that I miscarried twice. Not to mention, I am unmarried—and I just recently reopened my mind to dating again. But in the midst of my whirlwind of reasons not to give in to the yearning within me, an old song by The Clark Sisters, “Expect Your Miracle,” popped in my head.

The words of the song are fairly simple and the message is direct and clear.

“Just beleive and receive it,

God will perform it today…

I expect a miracle every day,

God will make a way out of no way…”

- Expect Your Miracle, the Clark Sisters

And as I sit here writing the thoughts of my intimate desires, I recognize what I must do. I need to follow the advice I immediately give to my friends whenever they come to me for encouragement or direction—pray about it. Because the fact of the matter is, the sky is the limit to what I can have.

It’s Cuffing Season; Is it Time for Me to Take That Leap?

Has being single for an extended period altered my view and desires for a relationship? A week ago I was under the impression that my lack of interest in dating again was due to my fears and trust issues. But recently being told, “you’re a catch, but I don’t think you want to be caught,” left me speechless. You see, my last relationship wasn’t that great. I was convinced the experience brought my ability to see who is potentially bad for me into question. In retrospect, I believe the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them. But I also wonder if I was blind to them because I wanted to be a wife and mother. I mean, I was 34 and unmarried. How many more chances was I going to get?

But with all things not considered, I accepted his offer of marriage and said “I do” in front of a small group of family and friends on a beautiful beach in south Miami. It is 10 years later and I am uncertain if that act was the biggest mistake of my life or the most influential thus far.

I’ve heard having regrets is sometimes labeled as immature. For me, the jury is still out. I realize everything I’ve encountered shaped the woman I am today. I also know that in God’s infinite wisdom, all things work together for my good. If I hadn’t said “I do,” I wouldn’t have experienced a level of pain and loss that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could have learned this lesson differently, but without it, I wouldn’t know how strong I am nor would I know about the peace that surpasses my understanding. Furthermore, I know better than to charge God foolishly.

Being single for seven years has enabled me to become content with who I am. The number seven denotes completion or perfection. By no means am I claiming to be perfect, on the contrary, I’ve learned how to embrace my imperfections. Who knows, maybe being single is what I needed to become the woman who is ready for a relationship. I mean, how can I make someone else happy if I’m not happy with myself? Now that I am at a better place with who I am, does this mean I’m ready to leap, or is it best for me to stand still? Honestly, the jury is still out on that one too.

Twenty Twenty: The Call of Duty

Several things inspire me to write—music, movies, and life in general. I was driven to write this particular post because of a recurring theme I’ve seen on social media. I read multiple messages expressing frustration with the events that have occurred over the past eight months, the feelings of discontent also include desires for the year to end. I don’t think anyone needs a reminder of what we have been experiencing, but I do believe we need to be reminded that there is a balm. Things happen in life that we don’t understand, but I want to encourage you to trust God’s plan. It may hurt sometimes, but it is still perfect.

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 KJV

Although there have been some trying moments within the last 250 days, the scripture above reminds me that troubles are not synonymous to 2020. Furthermore, the likelihood of more difficulties to arise is inevitable, but there is hope in this fact.

“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:12-13 KJV

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 KJV

I have referenced and drawn strength from Romans the third chapter and the 28th verse several times over the past year. There is comfort in knowing that everything I encounter is for my good and it aligns with God’s purpose. And although we, in general terms, focus on the fact that God is intentional in everything He does, I want to draw your attention to another part of the verse. I want to encourage you to focus on “who are the called.”

When I thought about this verse a few days ago, I realized I had been missing a vital part of “who are the called.” I associated being called with being a minister or a pastor, but now I see it as all of us, and we are required or commanded to do something. This perspective covers a lot more as a believer. We are called to be obedient and to trust God.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes; fear the Lord, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.” Psalm 3:5-8 KJV

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.” Psalm 28:7 KJV

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10 KJV

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.” Psalm 46: 10-11 KJV

I am beginning to see how difficult I made things for myself. I am learning to trust God. Trusting Him generates peace beyond my understanding. The directions for obtaining and maintaining peace have been outlined and He is available for all who wish to embrace Him. And if you still have a lingering question on what your calling is…

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecclesiastes 12:13 KJV