MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 8

“You know, but do you understand?”

— Unknown

At this point in my life, I believe I recognize the difference between knowledge and understanding. When I was younger, I saw the two words as interchangeable, but now I know and understand better. Knowledge is facts, information, and skills one acquires through experience or education. Understanding is comprehending or grasping something mentally. As strange as it may sound, you can know something without understanding it.

When I created the gratitude journal, my intent was to focus on specific life events that make me a better person. Although I am eternally grateful for my life “staples,” I didn’t want to write about them in the journal. However, like most things in life, I experienced something that allowed me to see it would be very remiss of me not to express my appreciation for them. So, I decided to revise the purpose of the journal.

A little over a week ago—Thursday to be exact—I turned 45. To be honest, I haven’t fully digested the fact that I am in my mid-forties, and it is also hard for me to embrace the fact that the tiny human wrapped in white blankets in the photo above is me.

I entered this world on Thursday, August 5, 1976. All of the days I’ve seen haven’t been filled with butterflies and rainbows, but I realize they could have been worse. I recall a more than pleasant childhood. All my needs were met and I got more than a fair share of my wants too. I was blessed with loving God-fearing parents, and a brother who is my knight in shining armor. I survived the heartbreak of my first love, a failed marriage, and the loss of two babies. You could say I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but I’m still here.

I now understand I have a purpose and with that comes difficult moments, which were designed to teach me where my help comes from. I’m not just aware of who my help is, I also understand He has been with me from the very beginning. He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb 45 years ago.

I am grateful for knowing God is, and I’ve come to know and understand I can’t live without Him.

“For in him, we live, and move, and have our being…”

- Acts 17:28 KJV

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 7 "Praying for My Enemies Benefits Me Too"

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” - Matthew 5:44 KJV

When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt disheartened, and it didn’t take a long time for me to identify the problem. The day before, I had an encounter with a coworker—who isn’t the easiest person to work with—and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Please don’t misunderstand me, I know everyone who has come in contact with me doesn’t consider me to be wonderful or even tolerable, but I try to be pleasant with everyone I come across—for the most part anyway. After I recognized what was causing my downcast spirit, I decided to pray about it.

As I began to pray, I found myself asking for things that would only benefit me. I was praying for what I thought would make me feel better. Then the thought “pray for her” came to my mind. So, I changed the entire tone of my prayer. I took the focus off of me and I began to pray for her. I prayed for her family and their well-being.

When I got to work, I sent an email in response to her inquiries. About an hour later, she responded by stating she had completed what I needed.

I wholeheartedly believe my obedience to God’s voice caused a difference in the interaction I had with my coworker.

“When a man’s ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.” - Proverbs 16:7 KJV

I learned an invaluable lesson. It behooves me to take the time to pray for those who mistreat me and those I perceive to be my enemies. Not necessarily a prayer that consists of my desires for them to be kinder toward me, but a request that they are strengthened, and more importantly, come to the knowledge of Christ in the pardoning of their sins.

This is “My heels in life'“—follow me as I follow Christ…

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 4; Requited Encouragement

“Be an encourager. The world has enough critics already.” - Dave Willis

My decision to become a blogger came with a desire to encourage and inspire others to love themselves more. I honestly believe I have a passion for encouraging because I realize how impactful it can be, and I also know how detrimental the opposite can be. In a previous relationship, I was subjected to a lot of ridicule. And unfortunately, the constant belittlement chipped away at my self-confidence, and I started believing it. But thanks be unto to God, I recognized my worth before I fell completely into the abyss of untruth that was presented to me. I was fortunate that I was able to figure out which was Shinola.

I am a huge advocate for self-acceptance and focusing on how we see ourselves over how others view us. But truth be told, there are some instances where we will encounter people who will offer kind words and encouragement, which is what I want to highlight in this journal entry.

Over the years, I’ve been told I am “diplomatic” and I have a “calming presence.” Recently, a co-worker shared something with me that I was not expecting. He walked by my office, then he stepped back in the doorway and looked at me. When I saw him pop up again I assumed he needed something from me, but he gave me something instead. He said, “you have a calming presence. A lot of times I get upset and stressed here, but seeing you calms me down.” Although I’ve been told I’m “calming,” hearing it again recently was encouraging and inspiring. It made me feel good because this isn’t something I do deliberately—it is who I am. And being told my natural and unapologetic behavior helps him, encouraged me immensely.

I am grateful to him for sharing his feelings with me. I also appreciate this validating experience. Contrary to what I was told in that previous relationship, being who I am is a good thing.

If I Play My Cards Right...

In my usual transparent fashion, I must share that I don’t know how to play cards. Well, I know how to play solitaire, but that’s it, and I can’t remember the last time I played it. But my lack of card game knowledge isn’t the purpose of this post. What I want to focus on is the well-known lyrics of the song “The Gambler” by the late Kenny Rogers.

The idea to write about this topic came to me in March 2016, but I went in another direction and wrote something completely different. Considering how I believe everything happens for a reason, I’m convinced today is the day I needed to write this.

My stomach hurts and I’ve been experiencing this pain for a few days. Although I made the stupid decision to consume chicken McNuggets from McDonald’s earlier today, I don’t think the “food” is the source of my discomfort. The culprit behind my situation is still me—I realize I haven’t demonstrated the simple words I’ve chosen to write about.

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of living by the words quoted above. In life, we will experience things that we don’t like. The fact of the matter is, we can’t control the actions of others—unfortunately—we can only govern ourselves. And as much as we sometimes desire things to pan out in a certain way, we have to accept the things we cannot change.

I want answers to questions that have been swarming around in my head for a few days, and this lack of information is bothering me immensely! The fact that not getting what I want is causing me pain, lets me know I need to let it go; which, brings me to the subject of this post.

There are some instances in life when we should hold on and keep fighting. Then there are times when we should let go and walk away, and sometimes we need to drop everything and run!

Truth be told, I hope I’ll have a “Never Been Kissed” moment and I’ll get the answers I’ve been seeking. Hey, I am an inspiring writer too! But I think the best thing for me to do is live by the words in the song and fold ‘em. At the end of the day, my mental and physical well-being are a priority, so I fold.

The Sky is the Limit to What I Can Have; but, Does that Include a Child?

“Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. ”

— Mark 11:24 KJV

When I started blogging five years ago, I planned to share my sense of style and information related to where I like to shop. That is what I was encouraged to do. It wasn’t my original plan to create a second blog focused on my life and relationships, but when I sat down to write, I was driven to share my experiences, and quite frankly, my innermost hurts. But today I contemplated writing about my seemingly suppressed desire for a child. I questioned whether or not I would be exposing too much of myself. But I remembered something I read and shared a few months ago.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

— Fred Rogers

This past October, I met with one of my friends to record an episode about pregnancy and infant loss awareness for my podcast. During our discussion, my longing for a baby rose to the forefront of my mind and touched the very core of my heart. Prior to this conversation, I thought I had closed the door on the possibility of ever birthing another human. I also believed I had moved past wanting a baby. But the conversation I had on that Sunday morning in October let me see I had been deceiving myself.

I told my mother about it later that day, and in her usual fashion, she encouraged me to pray about it. She reminded me that God can do anything.

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,”

— Ephesians 3:20 KJV

I haven’t shied away from expressing the feelings I experienced—and still bear—because of the loss of my babies. To date, losing my children is the most painful experience of my life. So, I think it is understandable that I am hesitant about entertaining the idea of becoming pregnant again—there’s so much to consider. I thought about my age and the fact that I miscarried twice. Not to mention, I am unmarried—and I just recently reopened my mind to dating again. But in the midst of my whirlwind of reasons not to give in to the yearning within me, an old song by The Clark Sisters, “Expect Your Miracle,” popped in my head.

The words of the song are fairly simple and the message is direct and clear.

“Just beleive and receive it,

God will perform it today…

I expect a miracle every day,

God will make a way out of no way…”

- Expect Your Miracle, the Clark Sisters

And as I sit here writing the thoughts of my intimate desires, I recognize what I must do. I need to follow the advice I immediately give to my friends whenever they come to me for encouragement or direction—pray about it. Because the fact of the matter is, the sky is the limit to what I can have.