MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 9; The Importance of Recognizing the Pervading Tone or Mood of a Place

My recent life lesson occurred to me during the wee hours of this past Wednesday morning. This tutorial derived from some overwhelming feelings of anxiety I experienced on Monday, which made me realize I needed to take a pause and focus on self-care. While I was home on Tuesday, I was deliberate with my thoughts and actions. I purposely avoided thoughts surrounding work or anything that could potentially cause angst. Although I recognize the importance of keeping my mind on positive and joyous things, this particular situation needed additional ammunition.

Putting forth the effort to think about good things worked for a while, but fear found its way back to the forefront of my mind. When I realized what was happening, I decided to pray. During my prayer, I was reminded of 2 Timothy 1:7 and I had to repent because fear does not come from God. As I reflected on the why behind my anxiety I realized I brought this trouble on myself. I created an atmosphere of doubt and fear. I did this with the words I’ve spoken and the thoughts I’ve pondered and embraced. I used phrases like “I can’t” and “I’m afraid.” So why should I be shocked at the manifestation of my words? Once I acknowledged my blunder, I realized what needed to happen. I needed to change the atmosphere by changing the narrative.

I told myself I couldn’t and I believed it. So when it came time to complete the action, I couldn’t do it because I created an environment of failure. “As a man thinketh, so is he.” Not only did I sabotage my productivity at work, I believe I may have done the same thing in the dating realm. During my time of self-reflection, I remembered the response I’ve given to the “why are you single?” question. I said, “I’m afraid of repeating the mistakes of my past.” Although I don’t want to make bad choices in future relationships, I see I had already attached fear to my circumstances before anything could even transpire simply by the words I chose to speak.

I was already aware of the fact that the power of life and death is in the tongue—Proverbs 18:21—but I messed up and allowed myself to take the path of doubt and fear. I appreciate my moment of clarity. It enabled me to see I can perpetuate an atmosphere that is bad or good by my speech and thoughts. When I would have used negative words to describe what I’m facing, I’ve decided to use positive ones in their place. In the past, I said, “I can’t,” alternatively, I will say, “I’m still learning.” And instead of attaching myself to fear, I will say, “I am building my confidence.”

I’m a work in progress. Now that I know better, I will do better.

I Joined WooPlus and I'm Not Sure If It Was a Good Idea

During my adolescent years, I wanted to be popular and viewed as one of the prettiest girls in school who all the boys liked and secretly or openly expressed interest in. Well, I wasn’t popular nor was I classified as one of the prettiest girls in school. And I don’t think I need to state how I wasn’t the object of affection for the boys in my class.

Now that I am older, I don’t feel the need to be viewed as one of the prettiest women anywhere, nor do I seek to be popular—well, maybe as a writer, but I digress. I am more interested in being found by someone who accepts and loves me as I am, which includes my personality and non-physical attributes.

As you can tell by the title of this post, I joined the dating app WooPlus. I learned of its existence through one of my male friends who inquires about my dating life regularly. I initially decided to check it out for a suggestion story on the Diary of a Stylish Buxom Beauty blog, but then I thought, what harm would it do to check it out for personal reasons too?

So far, it doesn’t seem to be that different than meeting people in person. In all honesty, I’m not sure what I expected. However, I didn’t expect to receive the number of interests that I’ve gotten so far considering I haven’t completed my profile. The only things I’ve posted are my name and photo, which makes me conclude the “likes” I’ve gotten are shallow and superficial. Furthermore, one of my “suitors” asked, “Do you have a big booty?” I realize this is a plus-size dating app and the people who join are attracted to and prefer fuller figures, but could you ask about where I work, if I believe in God, or what interests me before we discuss whether or not I have a donkey? Please? I do, but that is beside the point.

The more I think about it, joining the app may not have been a bad idea after all. It has reinforced my expectations of a potential partner. I want someone who will invigorate me, which comes from learning about me. I don’t necessarily think WooPlus doesn’t offer a platform that can fulfill this requirement, and what I’ve experienced thus far was beneficial nonetheless. I know what I want and I’m not interested in settling for less.

November Eleventh: "Nobody's Supposed to Be Here"

Earlier today, I learned about Singles’ Day, which is a Chinese unofficial holiday and shopping season that celebrates people who are not in relationships. It is also considered to be the biggest shopping day in the world. When I initially read about it, I was interested in writing about it and sharing my potential plans to celebrate. Why not? I’m single and I love to shop. But to my astonishment, I’m not excited about celebrating my singlehood.

This is strange because I haven’t been very forward-leaning when it comes to the idea of dating and being in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I made some strides earlier this year, which I shared and I think the “walls of Jericho” I built around my heart came tumbling down. But did it happen too quickly?

Last week I was asked, “What’s the fastest you’ve ever fallen for someone?” Well, I fell for someone in about five minutes—I guess I’m not beyond redemption. But I can’t help but wonder how he got past the walls? How did you get here? Furthermore, now that my heart is exposed and unprotected, will a Trojan horse come galloping in?

My hopeful Galahad is an unexpected blast from the past. Our paths crossed 26-years-ago, and unbeknownst to me, he had a crush on me when I was the ripe age of 19. He revealed this information to me fairly recently and now I am the one who is smitten. And although I am in a state of the unknown, I am doing my best to identify the good. Right now I don’t know if he is my knight in shining armor or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Nevertheless, I will celebrate the fact that I am able to let go of the past and let someone in.

So, how will I celebrate Singles’ Day? Lord willing, I will focus on all the blessings that have been given to me and celebrate the one who makes all things possible. God is in control and my life is in His hands. It doesn’t matter if I am single or boo’d up, I have purpose and it will prevail. I also know the one for me will be revealed in due time. And now that I have a reason to shop—let’s see if that Michael Kors bag I’ve been thinking about is still available and on sale.

MHIL Gratitude Journal: Entry No. 8

“You know, but do you understand?”

— Unknown

At this point in my life, I believe I recognize the difference between knowledge and understanding. When I was younger, I saw the two words as interchangeable, but now I know and understand better. Knowledge is facts, information, and skills one acquires through experience or education. Understanding is comprehending or grasping something mentally. As strange as it may sound, you can know something without understanding it.

When I created the gratitude journal, my intent was to focus on specific life events that make me a better person. Although I am eternally grateful for my life “staples,” I didn’t want to write about them in the journal. However, like most things in life, I experienced something that allowed me to see it would be very remiss of me not to express my appreciation for them. So, I decided to revise the purpose of the journal.

A little over a week ago—Thursday to be exact—I turned 45. To be honest, I haven’t fully digested the fact that I am in my mid-forties, and it is also hard for me to embrace the fact that the tiny human wrapped in white blankets in the photo above is me.

I entered this world on Thursday, August 5, 1976. All of the days I’ve seen haven’t been filled with butterflies and rainbows, but I realize they could have been worse. I recall a more than pleasant childhood. All my needs were met and I got more than a fair share of my wants too. I was blessed with loving God-fearing parents, and a brother who is my knight in shining armor. I survived the heartbreak of my first love, a failed marriage, and the loss of two babies. You could say I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but I’m still here.

I now understand I have a purpose and with that comes difficult moments, which were designed to teach me where my help comes from. I’m not just aware of who my help is, I also understand He has been with me from the very beginning. He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb 45 years ago.

I am grateful for knowing God is, and I’ve come to know and understand I can’t live without Him.

“For in him, we live, and move, and have our being…”

- Acts 17:28 KJV

Are Regrets Good or Bad?

By definition, the word regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done. In spite of this, there is a difference of opinion when it comes to having them. I’ve heard some people describe regrets as a form of immaturity, and I totally disagree.

A couple of days ago I read a post on social media that raised a question I found interesting: “Have you ever regretted a decision you made that haunts you even today?” Unfortunately, my answer is yes. In all honesty, there are several decisions I made that I regret. There are moments that stand out in my mind where I wish I had been more vocal about my thoughts and feelings instead of going along with what was happening. In retrospect, those particular regrets pale in comparison to the one that haunts me the most.

On Thursday, July 7, 2011, I went into premature labor and deliver my son, Xavier William. Moments before he entered the world, my doctor told my then-husband and me that our son was going to die. The doctor asked if we wanted to hold him once he was born and he explained that the staff would honor the decision we made at that moment. In other words, I couldn’t change my mind later. I said no, and it is one of the biggest regrets I have, which haunts me to this day.

I don’t consider having regrets as an act of immaturity—I see it as the complete opposite. When we experience feelings of regret, we are recognizing we could have done things differently, which aligns with accountability. Additionally, having regrets can potentially enable us to make better decisions in the future. The feelings of disappointment, sadness, or repentance can remind us of what we don’t want to experience again, which is something I encountered two years after Xavier died.

On Sunday, January 13, 2013, I went into premature labor again and delivered my second son, Elijah Thomas. History repeated itself and my doctor told my then-husband and me our son was going to die, but when I was asked if I wanted to hold him, I said yes with no hesitation. I recalled the feelings of emptiness and remorse that overwhelmed me when I chose not to hold Xavier—I didn’t want to feel that again. I believe regretting the decision I made in 2011 made me more conscious of my actions and their consequences.

We are all entitled to our opinions, and our views are typically based on our biases, experiences, and perspectives. I choose to embrace my regrets and use them to make more calculated and intelligent choices in the future. I respect those who believe regrets are immature, but I still humbly disagree.